Winding down

It's almost over!  I have one day left of this week, plus a week more, and classes are over.

I've been struggling with the wall.  People talk about running a marathon, and then they hit the wall, and don't feel like they could go even one more step.  Well, that's where I'm at.  I'm at the wall, and trying to force myself to push through.

Yesterday, I was so popular.  I talked to my sister, my brother, my mom, and my husband...all of which was infinitely more interesting than studying.  I think I just leaned up against the wall and did nothing for a good chunk of last night.

About half of my Christmas shopping has arrived at my mom's house.  My plans for travel with my mom are almost firmed up, and I have most of the final Fusha vocab list memorized.  I really just need to hit the rest of the amiya list so I can write my internship paper this weekend.  After that paper is turned in, I only have a power point left, as well as a small amount more of reading for my America and the Arabs class.

This last little bit of any semester is so hard, and this one is the worst with these 18 painful credits I'm taking.  Really glad it will be over very soon, and I can just relax.

On my final list of things to purchase before I can go home are ornaments for our tree, and one more gift.  I wanted a doily or scarf to use to put on my piano, and I've been looking for that right scarf for weeks.  I finally found it today, so things are about wound up.  So close...but still so far to go!

Cultural Sensitivity

When I first came to this country, my program said over and over, "Welcome to Jordan.  You are not in America."  The significance of this statement is that things will never be the familiar in Jordan, especially since I am not going to be here longer than 4 months.  Every where I turn, everything is different, and I am required to have extremely cultural sensitivity for Jordan to be able to survive.  I think I've done ok, since I've been adopted by a family here, and have had very few iffy situations.

Jordanians, however, are extremely culturally insensitive.

Evidently they really like to make fun of Asians   Asians, on the other hand, really don't like to laugh at themselves.  This makes for a really negative interaction.

Jumi, my Korean friend, gets very offended when she is greeted in Chinese   I'm not sure why this is so much more offensive then the casual questions of if I too think America is a nation of terrorists.  But it is.

Another friend, Winston, tries to be as accepting as possible.  He's this poor awkward kid that no matter how hard he tries, he is accepted by no one, natives and students alike.  It's probably because he does try so very, very hard and is just awkward and needy all the time.

My professor, he Arab Michael Scott, did not disappoint today.  Because our classrooms have glass walls, we can see the goofy students walking by.  Today, he commented again on how goofy this asian kid was.  A black girl in my class commented that his eyes were so small he probably couldn't even see.  I was pretty much floored.  She's American and knows better.

We talked about taboos yesterday in my Fusha class (formal Arabic) and we compared cultural sensitives in our different areas.  One thing I learned is that it's horrifying to Arabs to marry a black person.  When I asked why, they said...well obviously because then you end up with black babies.  No one wants that.

I really was unsure what to think about that.  This area is so conservative, perhaps I should have expected some of this, but really I didn't.  I am confused, and unsure how I'm supposed to act.  This is the problem with completely different cultures.  You just never know what exactly is appropriate, and you are ALWAYS taken by surprise.

Telephone.

Remember that game when we were kids?  I'll tell you something...and you'll tell a slew of others and at the end of a long line of people, someone repeats what was said so maybe we can compare the original message?

That was kind of fun back in the day, but not so much now when I'm really far away from home and can't even see people to do anything about it.  What's worse, it evidently was festering so long that I couldn't possibly know what I originally said that was so bad, I didn't even get talked to about it.

So this leads me to wonder about how people have long distance relationships.  There's so much military, particularly in the last 15 years or so, who have had to go overseas.  I know the divorce rate is really high for these people, so I know that it puts a major strain on marriages.  I wonder, though, about relationships of somewhat less significance.  What about relationships with siblings.   Extended family?  Friends?  Do these go on hold?  Do they come back and then just get started right where they left off?  Or are things changed forever?

I think the answers to these questions lie in understanding how a time away changes the one who leaves, and how, in their absence  life has changed the one's left behind.

Before I left, I had some fears that I'd come back and I wouldn't have the same relationships, and I think it's likely that that will come to be a reality.  People change, or maybe they let down their guard and be who they always really were, but hid because they had to see you again.  Life throws in great things and horrible things, and sometimes just a whole lot of nothing, and even that can change people some times.

On a world view level, I know I'm different.  Even if you try hard, I don't think it's possible to have much of a world view unless you go out into it.  Having been out once on my own for a pretty short time, I realize I really know nothing about the world except what my narrow American prospective gives me.  Don't get me wrong...I am still fiercely patriotic.  I love my country even though I don't agree with all its politics.  I do not love, however, how everyone in America tells me how Arabs are.  They are not all out to kill Americans, or rape any woman not waling around with a man.  They are not animals.  I can't understand how so many people will accept gays and other alternative lifestyles, but these people can not be.  I thought we were better than this?

On a personal interactions level, I have seen what family and friend devotion can look like here, and from the few people back home I talk to so frequently.  I've also experienced some disappointments in relationships which have let me down, and people not turning out to be who I thought they were.  In some cases, they became who I feared they were, but didn't want to admit.  For sure, this has been a growing experience because based on the whole of everything, I find myself making new rules and expectations for myself, as well as setting different expectations on what I will accept and what I will not.  Maybe I can become a better person, and possible make my own world a better place.

Sometimes, I hear something that bothers me, but I'm too busy to think about it and it gets discarded.  I've moved onto other things, but my subconscious takes it and runs with it.  It's like a second person, and when she's come to a conclusion, out of the blue, in the middle of some boring homework assignment  she'll say, "Hey, by the way, I have x bad news for you.  I realized something." Then what I've realized is not something I want to hear, but now maybe I need to change something about my world views.  This subconscious thing is a major buzz-kill  but there's always an upside.  In this case, maybe I can grow into a better person.

9/11

9/11 happened, and what did I do?  Did I rant and rave, and starve and protest?  Nope.  I was certainly sad, and fearful of what further attacks may happen.  However, you can only go on so long with that before you need to run to the grocery store, and your husband has to go to work.  Within an hour of the towers falling, I was out running errands.  No matter how bad your homeland gets, you still have to continue to function.

What's going on here and Palestine is pretty much the same thing.  Many of Jordan are of Palestinian decent, and so whatever anger they feel about the increased fuel prices seems to be augmented by the fact that war broke out again with their most hated enemy.  I don't blame them.  I am not an Israel supporter.

However, even though we've just had a 4 day weekend full of all kinds of protests and angst, the world does have to keep spinning.  The people need to eat, and they have to go to work.  The students can still keep hitting the streets, but grown ups have to think about the practical aspects of tomorrow.

Taxi drivers are especially accommodating these days.  I've not ever been much of a tipper since it is not expected here, but with the rise in prices I've chosen to pay a little more.  A few piaster may not mean much to me, but it's a big deal for these people who on average make 250JD an entire month with a family to feed.  I've already had a couple try to rip me off, but I've just chosen not to tip them and give them exact change.  Those who are honest are rewarded for it.

My program has also changed how it does things.  I'm still getting a couple updates a day, as we are into day 6 of protests.  UJ was open today, by my program decided it was not a great idea to have us there.  I've mentioned this before; UJ students have killed each over over less.  So, now we are only in the Khlefah Plaza building.  I've always had half of my classes there, but they have rented an additional floor in this building for us to accommodate those classes which were previously in UJ.

It's kind of an awkward set up.  The walls are glass between the rooms.  This means that we can see whatever goofy thing students walking by do, and so it is pretty distracting.  Luckily, my professor does not take his class too seriously, and when a first year student was making faces behind his back, he spun around and did it right back to her.  I swear, he's the Arab Michael Scott, destined for a spot on The Office.  Probably one of my all time favorite professors.  Imagine also the inappropriate things Michael Scott says, and then he all the more fills the role, albeit without the "that's what she said."

Our first day back was pretty boring...just the same old, same old.  I went to two classes and then went to my internship.  I don't really have anything to do right now until I get management review of the work I did this weekend, so I did homework.

When I got home, I found that my landlord had come in and "fixed the toilet."  She and I are no longer friends because she wouldn't turn on the heat because she said it was too expensive.  I thought that was a load of crap since I'm paying 14k for the privilege of being here, and I worked out the math, and even with the extravagant trips, they are still making around 4k profit on me at the very least.  I talked to the program about my dissatisfaction, and it turned out she was being a big fat liar.  So now she hates me since she got called out on it.  The toilet had acquired a small leak, and I told her about it, but she did not bother coming up to see it for days.  It's not my subflooring, so I let her do what she was going to do.  Evidently they came in today while I was at school, and ruined all my toilet paper, and removed the handle to flush the toilet.  Seems like a petty, stupid thing to do, since the leak was in a completely different part of the toilet, and just needed some plumbers tape.  Petty, petty woman.  She also pitched a fit because I've had a female friend here overnight, which is not against the rules.   I think she forgot that she rented an apartment...I paid for the right to be here, and as long as I'm not damaging things, that's really my business.  I am too old to be treated like I am a twenty something college student!

So overall, I'm safe.  There are 3 new protests going on tonight, and since there was a general strike, I expect people will be really well rested and can protest well into the night.  Since they didn't make any money today, they ought to be nice an angry when they think about paying for gas all this next week.

Continued violence...

The violence in this country is escalating.  Last night, north in Irbid, there was a bunch of protesters that attacked a police station.  One protester was killed, and then there were injuries on both sides of that confrontation.  In another are, they tore down a picture of the king and set it on fire.  This is a big deal because all buildings in Jordan have a picture of the king.  The official reason is so that people see him as a father figure in all of the country.  Really, though, the people view it as how they are reminded who is in charge.  Therefore, it makes sense that they are tearing down his picture.

A poli sci professor here at UJ says this is the start of the Jordanian spring, which frustrates me.  Even if it isn't the beginning of that, public statements like that just encourage others to join the mob because...everyone else is doing it.

I can appreciate people that are unhappy with their regime   I can understand wanting change.  I can't help but be a little selfish here, though, and be so depressed that things are going this direction.  For two years we planned and budgeted and saved.  I have spent hours and hours studying.  Going home after only one semester was always sad for me, but what if I go home sooner than that?  Will there be class on Sunday?  Will they change our credits?  Will they give me credit at all?  Will I be able to graduate next semester?  Grad school starts in the summer...I have to!  So I'm really worried about so many things, and there's not a damn thing I can do but sit here and wait.

I feel really isolated out here.  I heard from my brother, so that's something.  And I have a friend in my apartment this weekend so we can worry together.

Sigh.


There's other stuff going on that I really can't get into, but my J family laughs at me being worried.  THAT is frustrating.  They are really, really out of touch with the average person here.  My friend's host family knows everything is not fine.  Other people here know it's not ok.  But my J family's answer is it will be ok because some other country will bail us out.  Except they may or may not.  I'm frustrated that they won't take me seriously.  When I decided to walk home today, they tried to convince me I could stay after dark because it was perfectly safe, except I know that it's not from personal experience.  I don't see how they could be so out of touch, but still, they seems to be that way.

Snow day

So I'm going to put out there right now...I'm scared.

Not terrified, pee myself, what am I going to do kind of scared.  But for the first time since I've been in the Middle East, I am afraid.

Last night, I awoke to an almost 1 am text from my program that school was cancelled.  The reason for this was extensive protests that began yesterday.

The reason for this protest is the increased cost of fuel as a result in the removal of government subsidies.  The country is 3 billion dollars in the red, and had to figure out how to pay for things.  The people are not just having protests in Amman, but all over the country.  With how bad their budget is, I don't see how the government can back down.  If they do, it'll be a temporary measure to be undertaken again, hopefully after I go home.  This morning, the program director emailed an update that they essentially think that the protests will intensify.  I am no where near the protests, and while this killed my weekend plans, I will be fine where I am at.  My apartment is a steel cage.  No getting in or out if the steel doors are locked.

Still, I worry.

"The general strike is growing, with more professional groups joining."

This is from our director of our program.  It was the first thing I read this morning, and it was concerning, but I knew that my weekend had already been reduced to studying, so this didn't change a whole bunch.

I just read the next email.  This is a holiday weekend, and many students had planned travel for the Islamic new year.

"The developing situation in the country warrants the following action. These measures are taken for your safety and are non-negotiable:
1.) If you are traveling for the long weekend by air, there is currently no need to alter your plans. Air traffic is moving normally, and private transportation (by taxi) to the airport remains safe and accessible. As always, we advise you to arrange with Taxi Mumayaz, the number for which is in your handbook. BE ADVISED: you should have a contingency plan in the event that borders close and you are unable to re-enter the country.
2.) Travel by land to Palestine and Israel is now off-limits. The areas near the border crossings were the scenes of very heavy demonstrations and road closures last night. Both public and private transport to and from the border crossings is too unpredictable right now. Likewise, the border itself, which is always unpredictable, is more so now. The risk may be too great that if you try to travel, the border may close and you would be stranded. Again, travel by land to Palestine and Israel is now off-limits. Sorry.
3.) Travel within Jordan is also now off-limits. The worst of the demonstrations are going on outside the capital and the transportation situation is unpredictable. Do NOT travel outside of Amman.
Failure to adhere to these emergency measures could result in severe sanctions. Worse, should you decide to disregard these emergency policies and get into real trouble, we will be absolutely powerless to try to help you.
We will continue to update you regarding developments as the situation warrants, but this is the final word on travel."

This is a significant development, because they really don't have any say on if we travel or not. They only have a say on if they will help us.  Given the terrible PR of a justified abandonment and an issued statement saying we should of followed the rules, they would still attempt to rescue a wayward student. A lot of the program's threats on students are a lot of fluff. However, this mention of sanctions? I don't even know what that means. I just know it sounds like stronger language then they have ever used before.

I ran out of credit on my phone and did not remember to refill it yesterday. I only impulse bought a much larger internet card than I usually buy. I will be good on internet this weekend, but I need a phone, and there's not much food in my house. I walked to the corner store relatively early and saw that I was not the only one with that idea. There were many, many people there, in what appeared to be an attempt to stock up a little. It appears that the natives are a little worried too.

Yet, I'm looking out my window, and children are still playing in the street. Does this mean it's really not that bad? Or does it just mean that I live in the Shmesani bubble, where the neighborhood is pretty wealthy and so just less likely to see violence.

5 more weeks before I go home...

Love in the Middle East

Today is my anniversary, and in honor, I just had the romantic meal of Laughing Cow cheese, crackers, and orange juice.  Blah.

I avoided thinking about today for so long that class was over, it was evening, and I didn't make any plans.  If I had just planned, I could be out with a friend, but there you have the consequence of poor planning.

Yesterday, I was at my adoptive family's house.  It was the very saddest day I have ever been there.  I had initially not wanted to go over, because I feel like I have so much homework.  I have stayed on top of the memorization, but it seems like the CIEE professors thought that maybe, since we have gotten so proficent, we should double the vocab dished out.  AAH!  So now I feel like I am behind.  However, I was complimented by one of the mean girls today that I am always on top of my game.  Another person yesterday says she is so impressed that my Arabic has gotten so good.  My conjugations are always correct, and I am almost always understandable.  Both of these things make me so happy.

But I had to go to my family's house, even though I had so much homework.  Sometimes I can study there, especially if I spend the night, so this made me want to go.  I had already committed for the night that the other day, so I packed up my things and went.  When I got there, I had no sooner stepped in the door, when When sister 1 asked me if I wanted to walk first, or if I wanted to eat first.  I hadn't planned on either, but I managed to hurt my back, so I said we should go walk.  As we did, she got out of earshot of her house and made a phone call.  I did not understand the call, but she sounded upset.  Afterwards, I told her as much, and she said that I had to promise not to tell her family, but she had just broken up with her boyfriend.

She had a boyfriend?

She then proceeded to tell me about this person that she just loves, but that jerks her around emotionally, and that it's a big secret because it is not ok for Muslim women to have boyfriends.  When I say boyfriend, I don't mean the PDA that you see of people in love, walking in the park.  This is strictly on the phone, where no one could possibly see.  It is forbidden for men and women to date, so until he asks her family for marriage, he can not speak to her.  So, they've had this ongoing relationship for a year, and yesterday, he said that wanted to be done.  I didn't understand everything, since it was all in Arabic, but she deleted his phone number, and had decided it was over.  Oh, but how she cried, and cried.  And, since it was a secret, she went to her room and asked me to stay in there so she could talk to me.

Little does she know, her sister is going through much the same thing.  Different guy, and this one is already married, so she's hoping to be wife number two.  They've had a facebook relationship for 2 years.  The family knows him, but until he also asks for marriage, she also can not talk to him.

Both of these women are so dear to me, and their culture has them so emotionally isolated.  They don't feel like they can even talk to each other.  Sister 1 has one other friend, but then that's it.  She's in this agony and can not use her support network to help her through this.  She must be alone.  Sister 2 has a similar story.  Her story has not yet gone bad, but since she's been pushing the guy to make more of a commitment  I worry that this will be her struggle soon too.

There's so many things which I love about this culture.  This is not one of them.  I hate this.  These women do not deserve to be captive in a house, unable to seek relief of their pain.  It feels like in relationships, men have all the power.  The women are just on display, just part of the window shopping.

Mini vacation

I wish I could do vacations in the states for $30.  I went to Aqaba for the Eid break and it's so nice.  At least it is now that I'm here. 
I rode a bus from Amman to Aqaba.  It is a five hour drive, and was 8 JD.  The families who also rode the bus had a bunch of babies.  They took turns crying for five hours, so that was not fun at all.  Eventually we got here, though, and it was as beautiful as I remembered it.


The area is of course a private beach, away from the city of Aqaba.  Aqaba itself reminds me of a lot of Amman, however, on a much smaller scale.