God protects fools and children...

I suppose that I fall under the first category, and through an extremely fortunate sequence of events, I didn't die the other night.

Because I have not really cooked in my apartment, I have not gotten used to the gas range.  I have used them before, but the gas is inconsistant and at times the flame flickers out.  It's really pretty annoying.

While making my dinner, I turned down the heat, and went too far.  It flickered out.  I know it's irrational, but I tried to beat the flame from going out by turning it back up.  Like always, I did not beat it.  See the first half of the title of this post.

My dinner was done anyway, so I ate without a second glance at the stove.  Evidently, I had not turned it back all the way off.  That day, I had studied so much that I decided I needed to have a break.

I happened to stumble on a book on Amazon.  It was under the "things you might like" and the price was right...free 99.  It turned out to be a really good book, and I read for 5 hours.  I finished it about 2 am, and was so bummed when I saw that there was no sequel for this very sequel worthy book.  It was not until after my brush with death that I found that there is one in the works.  Maybe next time I could try not killing myself while reading it.

The second stroke of luck that night was that I could not find my last dose of sleeping medication.  I can't sleep without help; haven't been able to for years.  Usually, I take something, and then read for ten or twenty minutes until I fall asleep.  On this night, it was not where I thought it was, so between the book and the lack of medication, I didn't go to sleep like I always, always do.  What can I say?  I am a creature of habit.

The final stroke of luck was the fact that I did not take a nighttime shower.  I always take a shower before I sleep, but on this day I had made an attempt to save my hair from the horribly damaging water with this pink goop the locals use.  I had done it around lunch time, since that's much more of a process then a quick shower before bed.  There is no ready made hot water.  The water heater only flames on when there's a draw from the hot water tap.  This early shower was lucky since I was slowly turning my apartment into a bomb.

After finishing the book, I had a killer headache.  My J family all had been sick the day before, so I thought maybe I'd picked up their bug.  I left my bedroom at two am and was almost knocked over by the intense smell of gas in my kitchen.  It had leaked so slowly into my bedroom that I had not even noticed it.  I felt almost immediately better after opening the windows, and, and miraculously found my sleeping medication not five minutes later.  Between the book, the drugs, and lack of shower, I did not die.  Even the next day, after I got home from school, the apartment still faintly smelled like gas.

When I first announced I'd bought my ticket to the Middle East, my family worried that some violent circumstance from the Middle East would get me.  Sadly, I am my own worst enemy in being so accident prone.  I can't help but follow myself around, and therefore can not protect myself from myself.

It is a good thing that God has that policy on fools and children.

Eid

Until this last week, I've found nothing especially offensive about anything Islam.  Plenty of Christians are far holier than me.  Both have different dogma that are equally silly in some of their aspects.  I like that it is forbidden in Islam to try and convert.  If you want to know something, you are welcome to ask, but they really are not supposed to try and convince you, or come knock on your door and ask if you'd like to join their religion.

This week, however, is different.  They had the Eid al-Adha.  In short, the purpose of this holiday is remembrance of the story of Abraham.  Abraham took his son to a mountain, with the intention of sacrificing him to God.  At the last minute, God said he passed the test...go kill this ram instead.  The Muslim people relive this moment every yer by purchasing some animal, and then sacrificing it.  This means they restrain it in some way...and then slit it's throat.

These animals could be a goat, cow, lamb, or even a camel for some wealthy people.  The meat is supposed to be donated to the hungry.

I ended up spending most of the Eid, when not at Aqaba, and my adoptive family's house.  I did not go to see the animal sacrificed...I do not think I could stomach it.  On any of the 5 days of Eid, the sacrifice could take place.  I was told by another friend in my program that all the children were so excited to see this animal slaughtered.  They shot off blanks from guns, and overall acted like lord of the flies.  I was pretty horrified.  My adoptive family had mixed attendance.  Feda'a and Rofida, my two friends I visit the most, did not go.  Feda'a talked about how hard it was to see blood squirting everywhere.  I agreed that it sounded pretty horrifying.

Later that day, their sister and her family came to the house.

The bag they brought was half a skinless corpse.  Their were other parts, like the liver and other things I couldn't identify entirely, but it reminded me of horror movies I had seen.  Such was my horror that they chuckled and told me to go watch tv.  They said it would be yummy afterwards.  I guess they either didn't donate the meat, or only donated part of it.

When dinner came, it was cooked lamb, but the consistency was greasy, and rubbery.  I know it was cooked, but I still had the mental image and it felt like maybe it wasn't cooked after all.  This was their most holy meal, and I hid the dry heaves and tried to choke down every last bit of it.

While I was trying to keep my mind off what I was chewing, I reflected a bit on two things.

First, animals are killed all the time and we get them from the grocery store in packages.  This meat did used to walk around, just as what I was eating that day, so really, what was my problem?  I have liked meat, and I'm sure it also is terrified before it's slaughtered.  I'm not sure this inability to stomach the idea of the actual killed animal is something I can change about myself.  I expect I would be a vegetarian if I was ever to become a true farmer.  Or at least only eat eggs.

Second, I thought about serial killers.  This whole generation of kids are thrilled at the gore.  They are excited at watching the life drain out of a creature as it slowly dies.  Another friend told me they slaughtered a cow, and it took ten minutes to die, with blood spurting everywhere.  And...this is obviously not the first generation of kids to feel like this.

Torture of animals is considered one of the things serial killers like to do, as defined by western culture.  I have to wonder if the increased acceptance of violence in the ME is tied to some of the rituals they have been taught since birth.

The only thing I know for sure is I will never, ever be in the Middle East again during this holiday.  Way too awful for me.

Black Friday Arab Style

So class is officially done, and the Eid break just started.  Well sort of...technically I'm actually still at work.  I'll be here another 2 hours, anyway.

This holiday is the celebration of sacrifice.  Basically, they get some barnyard animal and slaughter it together as a family, and then donate the meat to the poor.  It's a lot gory, but the intention of the holiday is to help those who have less.  Seems like a good idea, right?

Well, imagine our overall good will that we have for Thanksgiving.  People are together as families, and we are grateful for what we have.  Then the very next day we turn into crazy people, sometimes physically assaulting each other over the best deal for gifts, all in the name of the continuation of the season of peace, and good will towards all men.

We, as Westerners, do not have the corner on this particular bit of bad behavior.

Islam demands that families buy an animal.  I don't know any farmers, so I imagine this industry is making a killing right now (ha I'm puny.).  These animals are not cheap.  If you buy a goat, then you're looking at $300 JD.  If you want a cow, then it's more like $500 JD.  Considering the average person makes $300 JD a week, this is a hefty chunk of change.  And, like everyone else in the worlds, they procrastinate, so some people either just bought the beast with money they don't really have, or are still frantically trying to make some so they can buy their critter.

So what does this mean for me?

People are mean and unhappy, much like those who have not finished their Christmas shopping.

People also are guilty of bad behavior.  This means cab drivers for me.

I have had people attempt to rip me off more in the last week than in the previous 7.  The law is...if you ride in a taxi, the meter has to run.  You can't have a broken meter, or just refuse to turn it on.   Of course, they don't really enforce many laws here when it comes to this kind of thing, so it takes FOREVER to find a cab that doesn't want to rip me off.  It usually takes me 2 JD to get me to my house from UJ.  Last night, I was quoted 3-5, and where every dime counts for me, I was getting really frustrated.  It took me half an hour to find someone.  Today, when I left earlier to go to work, it was the same crap.  It was really, really frustrating.

And why is it like this?  Well, so they can buy something to make a charitable donation.  They want to RIP ME OFF, which is, as the locals say haram (evil), so they can give to charity.

And no one here seems to have a problem with it.  My last cab here, after we finally pointed out that he needed to turn on the meter, refused to take us all the way to work, because it was not as easy to get back to where there was more business.  He basically threw us out of his car, so I did not give him a piaster (penny) more than he was owed.  He was an ass, and yelled at us.  I guess somehow it's my fault he didn't plan ahead for this particular holiday.

I want to come home.

A break!! Finally!

I only have class tomorrow, and then I get 5 days off from school and stress.  I'm so looking forward to it...

Here, the vacation days are not known until the very last minute.  For example, this break that is coming up was rumored to be 4 days up until two weeks ago.  The Islamic calendar is a lunar one, and therefore, the exact dates are not known.  They only ball park dates.  This vacation has something to do with the  holiday of sacrifice.  I've heard that they all go some place and sacrifice a lamb or cow or something.  I hear it's bloody and horrifying, and I'm going to pass.  I still like to pretend the hamburger in the grocery store never used to walk around.  If I spend too much time thinking about killing stuff, then I'm back to boarder line vegetarianism again.

This break, I will be doing a couple things.  First, I am going to Aqaba.  I'm somewhat regretting these plans, mostly, because I'm just so tired!  I really should have planned to do nothing at all so i was totally ready for school next week.  I'm only going overnight, though, so it's not that big of a deal.  After that, my J family will be back from Palestine, so I figure I'll probably just hang out with them.  I have most of all the vocabulary memorized and at the forefront of my mind, but I'll probably still plan on doing a bit of that even still.

Since I am not going to be here in the spring, I've had to plan my last semester at the U.  I only need 6 credits to graduate.  I want full funding, though, since I have all these scholarships that will go to waste, so I'm going to have a fun semester!  I am  taking 2 Arabic classes, but the other classes are easy.  One is digital photography.  Another is a yoga class.  The last one is an outdoor adventure class, where I get to repel.   This will be a really course load; easiest since I started back to school.  It also all happens over 2 days, so 3 days a week I can work.  I also can start volunteering at one of the refugee organizations.  I'm just waiting for Nov. 5th, and then I'll be officially registered.

Updated news

I just got done figuring out my spring semester.  I got another email today from CIEE saying that maybe they don't want to give me money after all.  That said, I thought that was stupid, and I'm sick of being jerked around.  I called my husband, and he said he really didn't feel like he could do another semester.  Even if I wasn't having problems with funding...I don't care.  I still am going to come home.  The husband has been a saint.  It's only worth it so long as he's able to get by with some peace.  After all, the language is important to me, but doesn't even hold a candle to the importance of the husband.  So...I'm going home and not coming back in 2012.

The silver lining is that I only need 6 credits to graduate, and wouldn't you know it, they are only offered in a schedule that makes me go to school one class a day, every day.  Since I have to be there anyway, I thought I'd get started on some of my business classes for my MBA.  I am not getting a business degree for my undergrad, so there is a huge list of classes I have to take this summer to be able to start the MBA in the fall.  It's considered graduate level classes, and are priced accordingly.  So, this wipes out 6 of the 13.5 credits I have to complete.  The other half...well I'm thinking I'll just pay for them from the community college.  It would be tons cheaper, but require out of pocket payment.  Hopefully, if we are very careful, we can make that work. Otherwise, we'll be paying thousands for $700 worth of community college classes.

In other news, it's Friday.  So the usual protests are scheduled today.  I got an email saying that they are planning to burn a US flag, which I find only mildly irritating.  Remember when you were in elementary school, and they called you names to get you riled up?  That's what this is, and I refused to get worked up over a piece of fabric.  The symbolism does not die simply because some people decided to set it on fire.  Plus, they are doing it in response to the statement released by the white house which says they only recently have deployed troops to help with Syria.  That's just a great big fat lie.  They've been here a long time.  So, I can understand the essential spitting in the US face.  I don't like a liar either.

College kids reloaded

I've written most of my Biblical Jordan post, but I'm still working on pictures.

In the meantime...

Feel free to post opinions here.  I am considering, for the spring semester, having a room mate.  The pros of this option is that if I allow it, then I will have someone else around to rattle around with me.  I worry that the homesickness, after I've had a month of being at home, will be brutal.  I'm already dreading it.  Nothing will be new.  There will be no honeymoon period.  I'll just be here in this country and want to be home really bad.  If I'm not rattling around here alone, then I won't have an opportunity to have that happen nearly as frequently.  This would be huge, because I went through some really awful times here.  Sometimes, it was truly horrible.

The cons are as follows:

I am too damn helpful.  As a result, I've become the program mom, and people always want something, and are horrible about returning the favor.  For example, I've had a roller coaster week.  For no reason, I'd be depressed or upset for no reason at all.  I feel like I've boarded the crazy train, and it's been rough.  I'd already helped out a friend a bunch with her similar problem previously, and she offered to come watch movies with me, and return the favor.  Well, it turned out to not be convenient, so she did not show up.  I still watched movies and had pizza to myself...but I was reminded why I am so sick of this age group.  The selfishness annoys me terribly, and my quickness to be the first giver always bites me in the behind.  I think it would get really old if I had that kind of dynamic, and I could not escape to my own space.

The other choice I'm trying to make is whether or not I should change programs.  Currently, I am in the language and culture program.  I'm thinking about switching to the Intensive Language.  This will make the total of my classes be in Arabic; zero English.

Pros:  Will get much further along in my Arabic.  I have to take a language pledge so everything is in Arabic, 24 hours a day. I should come home fluent.

Cons:  no internship.  I will have to only put this one internship on my resume, which makes me nervous.  I really need to get a decent job next fall and start making some money.

So...that's it!

Wedding Day

Yesterday, I went to a Muslim wedding.  I have known about it for over a month, and yesterday was one of those emotional roller coaster days.  I did not feel like going at all.  Lucky for me, my sister from the J family insisted I go, and would not let me off the phone until I renegged on my cancellation.  So...I went.

When I got to the J Family's house, Grandma T was in agony.  She had back surgery ten years ago, and she did not ever walk again after that.  She lays in bed all day, and has severe sciatica.  Additionally, she also has this bizarre bloating on the side of her body, and I don't know what that's about, but it hurts.  So, when I got there, it was not pretty.  Grandma T's daughters asked if I could give a shot.  Well, it's just in the hip, so of course I can.  They went to the pharmacy to get some type of medication, and I tried to eat.  It was really difficult to do so though, while I listened to this sweetest of old women whimper in the other room.  When she's in that much pain, I can't do anything for her.  Touching her just makes it worse.

When the drugs arrived, their maid and I got her ready.  She was crying she hurt so bad, and I tried to get the other sisters to watch so they could see how easy it was.  They wouldn't!  They said they were too afraid of the needle, and I just wanted to shake them and tell them to get over it...their mother was in too much pain for them to be babies about this.  But, they insisted they could call someone from the hospital if I was not there.  Thank god they have money...if they were poor, poor Grandma T would probably just suffer.

A little bit later, she was in far less pain, and we started getting ready to go to the wedding.

They are very different from what I'm used to.  Weddings in Utah are boring.  They do not have dancing and are very formal.  This was the opposite.

So first off...they have a line...but the bride is not part of it.  It's just a line of her bridesmaids.   It is a very short experience, so they don't just stand around all day.  They had tables with center pieces everywhere, and since this family wanted me to have the most educational experience possible, they passed me around a million cousins.  Eventually, I sat, and they started a slide show of the bride and groom, and their individual childhoods.  Then there were pictures of their engagement.  Shortly after that, the bride and groom entered.  It was a wedding march, but of course much grander then I am used to with great big timpani booms.

I was surprised to see all the women who were wearing barely nothing.  Then my J sister pointed out that there was not one man in the room.  I am not too observant, I suppose, so that explained the scantily clad women.  There was even a big pregnant woman who was showing tons of skin.  They also, evidently, are by marriage, the groom's sisters.  So, he can see all the nakedness too.

This party got going after that.  I might be a little deafer today then I was yesterday; the music was really, really loud.  All the dancing was fun too.  The bride was truly so in love with her her new husband.  They were adorable.  They had the cake cutting, but instead of doing it with a knife, they do it with a giant sword.  They also have a first dance, but they have fireworks on the floor.  I don't think I've ever seen that indoors before.  Seems like a bad idea!

At the end of the night, the bride and groom left.  They had done the man version of the party before this party, and so now they could go... consummate, I'm told.  The bride, who's hair was done up beautifully in a tiara and curls, was then fitted with what looked like a flour sack over her head.  I was really confused at this, and asked why this happened.  My J sister said that there might be men outside this room, and no one gets to see the bride like this who is not family, and sporting a y chromosome.  I suggested maybe they could cut out eye holes so she could see, but considering that this is not the first wedding, I suppose there is some reason why this is not done.

We then had an interesting conversation about how picking a mate in Islam works.  First, there is no dating.  She told me it was like having a desert tray out on the street.  If it's not all covered up, then it's got flies landing on it, and is too gross to want anything to do with.  Instead, you can look, but not have any contact.  Then, if you like what you see as a man who is window shopping, then you go with your family to the girl's family, and ask to get married.  If they approve, then you're engaged, and now you get to talk.  People don't get un-engaged, though.  Using the dessert analogy, what if that caramel truffle turns out to be kind of nasty...now you're stuck with it!

It was a touchy subject.  Even though this J family sister is very childlike in how she acts, she is older than me by at least 5 years.  She is old enough that she may never marry, and talking about this, you could see how much she really wishes she was.  The other sister is also unmarried.  Their father passed away a long time ago, and I wonder if this is why they've not married.  He obviously can not give permission.  I can not ask; with how much it is so desired, I think it would make them feel sad.  They are the sweetest women...I wish they could have anything that they wanted.

Roller coaster....

Have had that song bouncing around in my head all morning.  The day before yesterday, I woke up to the email that there was no more money, and I should look into other scholarships.  Of course, I can not do this, since I've already covered all my bases, and there's nothing left to apply for.  I planned on not coming back, so I did my best to make peace with that.

This morning, I woke up and called my husband.  No one was home, and today he brought my kids to work, so I was not going to get to Skype anyone.  When I called, the first thing out of his mouth was did I check my email.  He'd been in my email, and said there was something about possible funds to keep me here.  So, I saw the email, and maybe I will stay after all.  It won't cover all my shortage of funds, and I don't know exactly how much it will cover.  But, now the question mark is back in my head.

I'm so frustrated.  I had made peace with going home, and had a back up plan to ensure I continued to work on language.  I knew it would not be as good as just staying here, but I was happy with the fact I could go home and be with my family.

Now that I might be able to stay, I'm so depressed!  It would be completely irresponsible of me to not come back if I can.  I would likely move to the J family's house, and would really come back with some decent proficiency.

The up and down emotion, as well as the somewhat sudden change in the seasons here has gotten me in that place where I constantly feel like I'm about to get a migraine.  I'm trying to fight it off with plenty of sleep, and my husband's suggestion of meditation, but it's really difficult to concentrate, let alone fight off what is always a big problem for me every spring and fall.  It's gotten cold enough that I am going to have to either ask my landlord for another blanket, or how to turn on my furnace.  I'd rather sleep in a cold room with an additional blanket than turn on the heat, so hopefully I'll be able to get the blanket option.

Discouraging

I was in a cab today, and this man spoke decent English.  Whenever people ask me where I'm from, I always say Canada.  No one hates Canada, so while I haven't run into a problem with being American, I also don't want to.  He proceeded to tell me that he lived EIGHT YEARS in Pennsylvania.  Eight years is a really long time to speak as poor of English as he did.  He worked in customer service, too, both at the airport, and then working at a gas station.

It is really discouraging to be where I'm at, with, actually, not even a year and a half of actual real language study, and I feel like it will be so long before I am a good speaker.  Reality checks may at time be necessary, but they are NOT fun.  I've been really tired all day, so I know that I am not on top of my game for my classes.  I have so much on my plate, and I have to keep reminding myself to very carefully budget my time.  I am NOT here for political science classes, and am only sort of here for an internship.  These things I can get at home.  I am here to speak Arabic, and I keep getting too wrapped up in the wrong things.  This leaves me lacking sometimes with my Arabic.  It is really frustrating.

To further frustrate me, my internship is not going great today.  So far, I have accomplished more in the time I've been here then the other employees have in the last six months.  They just don't do anything, and I was told when I got here that they have a reputation for this kind of thing.  My supervisor told me I should carefully make friends with them, and then "impress upon them my American work ethic."  I don't know exactly how to do that without trying to lead by example.  I just met these people, so I can't just tell them that they are doing everything wrong, or they are screwing off far to much of the time.  So, I've gotten a ton done, and I was told today that I need to have the girl I work with submit these projects I've completed.  This means that I do all the work, get none of the credit...and if she does what she always does and screws around and just doesn't forward the email, then I get in trouble.  I am so frustrated, and so today, they don't have anything for me to do.  I decided to not even try to find something to do and just study.  My supervisor was supposed to meet with us, and then she decided she wanted to go home.  So, I'll get my hours in, but I'm just going to sit by myself here and study.  I am not in the mood to try an coax Hebah to do her job, or even to do her job for her, and then coax her to take the credit.  I'm really, really done with this place today.

Freedom of Religion

Religion...al deen...is interestingly open here.  I was noticing this little bit of irony today, when I walked into the CIEE office.  The call to prayer has become background noise I do not notice unless it's night and I'm in my quiet apartment, or over at the J Family's house and it interrupts a conversation.  However, it was about the right time, and as I walked to the door, there stood a man in his socks, standing on his prayer rug, facing a wall, which I assume pointed to Mecca.  He was alone, and while surely there were many other Muslims in the building, but only he chose to be pious on this floor.  No one paid him much mind, and he paid us non-praying people no mind either.  Everyone just went about their business.

I think it's interesting that in our "freedom of religion," we have it so viciously ripped out of schools and other places.  I'm not religious in that way; I don't want there to be required prayers in school, and I really don't think that God is personally offended if the pledge does not say, "in God we trust."  However, I also feel like it's tradition, not religion, that might have kept God in the pledge.  Educators have to be so extremely careful, should a student WANT to pray for some reason, to be sure that it can in no way be tied to them, often fearing that even those best intentions will still result in a problem.  And I think that freedom of religion is not necessarily freedom FROM religion, unless that is the path you choose to take.  Who is the atheist to dictate where the believer of any faith can, and can not pray?

In Jordan, pray, don't pray; it's up to you.

In America, don't pray, or do it where I don't have to look at it.

Considering the attitude of much of the Western world that the ME is an overly zealous and religious place, it is ironic that America actually IS the over zealous anti-religious place, rather than the freedom of religion.

Not once have I been preached to, or have people tried to save my soul within Islam.  I wish other religions would allow me the freedom to ask if I want to know, rather then forcibly saving my soul.

Bugs

The middle east is really serious about it's bugs here.  I suppose the motto "go big or go home" applies to this country.  Yesterday, I was walking to grab a cab, and I saw a wasp, as thick as a bumble bee, but perhaps twice the size.  Then I saw his blue brother.

A few weeks ago, I got to meet my biggest fear...the camel spider.  People swore up and down that there was no such thing here, and those only live in Afghanistan   In fact, when I was in Wadi Rum, in the tents, I was talking to my room mate, and suddenly got quiet.  She asked me what was wrong.  I said, "Do you want me to tell you now?  Or wait until morning?"  She couldn't resist, and so i pointed out that our door was a flap of burlap laid across the opening, and was not even the same size.  You could see an opening, and I wondered if I'd wake up covered in camel spiders.  She was quiet, and then suggested she had not chosen wisely.

When I got to see my camel spider, it was not nearly as horrifying as my fear of waking up covered in them, but was still not pleasant.   I was walking up the stairs to the language center, and it was hanging from the under lip of the stairs.  It was probably 1/4 as big as my foot.  From a distance, it was interesting, but I suspect up close, it would definitely cease to be interesting, and progress into full blown horror.  I hate spiders, but only if they are withing a foot of me.  Outside of that they can be interesting, and remain unsquished.  This is, of course, provided they respect the Treaty of the Door, where if they come in my house all bets are off and I declare a war to protect the sovereignty of my home.  Here, that extends to my balcony.  And only applies to overgrown spiders.  Probably could handle small spiders.

Vacations...!

If only vacations were so cheap in Utah.

So the Eid break is coming up in 2 weeks, and it is about 2 weeks too far away.  Once again, I'm feeling back to a lot homesick, and I'd really like to come home.  Since that is not an option, and I'm not even half way through this little adventure, I started planning my break.

Many students are going out of the country.  Some are going to Egypt, Turkey, or other places.  That would be fun, but outside my current budget.  I am young...those places will still be there later.

Instead, it looks like I'm going to Aqaba for snorkeling again, and then on the way back, I am stopping at a crusade castle.  I'm pretty excited about both prospects, and I'm going with a couple other students in a small group.

It should be fun, and it will be a grand total of $34 JD.  With my skimpy daily budget, I think I can swing this and maybe still have some extra by the end of the month.

Anyway, wish you all were here.

Thinking about deleting my facebook account

Facebook sucks.  I know, I know.  You can either use the tool, or be the tool, as the saying goes.  But really, it does suck.  Sometimes, back home, I'd read about things, and kind of realize that on Facebook, we tend to not be real people.  Instead of real people, we are like...quarter people.  I'd read just enough to know what was going on in people's lives...although most of the time, I'd read enough to know I really don't have any idea what's going on in people's lives.  And, really, if they were not inclined to just pick up the phone and tell me about it when I was only sitting a few miles away, then really, it's kind of this perverted peeping tom thing of being the anonymous observer of what people put up on their walls.  I'd come to the conclusion that I knew some things, but only little pieces of the "somethings," and this does not constitute a relationship   I know, I'm really slow to come to this realization, but a relationship held completely on Facebook  is not a relationship, especially when people are within an hour's driving distance away.

People also tend to be a little part exhibitionist as well on Facebook   There are things I do not want to know with the rest of the world.  There are personal things which, if shared in a confidential conversation, might be acceptable as information, and I'd listen with empathy.  Information shared as one of the members of the universe, however, makes me feel...well... embarrassed to know.  And then, information not shared at all because it is not public, but then I find out about later...well then I'm really not that kind of friend and should not have been reading about all the precursors to whatever dramatic information is out there!!

Lastly, people don't realize you can't keep secrets on Facebook   They may post half truths, and omit other parts, and then feel confident that no one else knows the motivation of the initial statement.  It simply is not true.  If you know any little bit of the truth, and read a "vague" post, then for sure, you know what's going on.  That's stupid!  What are we, grade school kids?  Maybe passive aggressive junkies?

Now, of course, I live half way around the world.  I'm questioning whether I really want Facebook anymore. I talk to my parents pretty regular, but they don't have Facebook.  We seem to manage fine by talking via Skype or email.  And, it's nice to know they didn't just stumble onto a post and decide to respond.  They actively took an interest and then sent an email, or messaged me on Skype.  I talk to my brother pretty regular too, although he hardly ever posts to Facebook.  He has helped out with my family back home, and eased my homesickness by being my friend, chatting online.  I just love that guy and his wife.  Another cousin makes a point of chatting with me online pretty frequently too.  And...this is not because of a Facebook post.  It just happens.  When I was home, we'd text back and forth a few times a week on a normal basis.  No Facebook necessary.

I don't use it to speak much to people I once was close to.  Recently, since my sleep schedule is different then people back home, I've started to get more emails from friends back home who really want to talk to me.  So far, while I've been here, I've really only used it to point out I have a new blog, maybe post some incidental mentioning, and have a heart wrenching argument.  So, what is the point?

If I really think about it, I think Facebook's real function is to make our disconnected society feel more connected, but does so in such a complicated way that it is simply not worth it.

I've been told that a study abroad will change me.  I have to agree at this point.  I've been living the last 5 weeks in a country where family and close friends really means family.  Where cousins, siblings,  aunts...everyone...talks to each other and is very close.  Comparatively speaking, Americans are very separate as a culture, and we don't make the every day efforts to say hello and be with each other because we simply enjoy the company.  Am I going to come home and expect Utah to transform into Jordan?  No, of course not.  But I will miss the desire, rather than the obligation, to want to spend time with those you hold most dear to your heart. Here, if I've not talked to someone for a couple of days, I get a phone call to say how much I'm missed, would you please come over?  I think that Facebook ends up being a substitute for these kinds of interactions.  People can feel like they interacted with you because they clicked "like" on your post, or made a comment on a picture.  That is not a relationship, no more than sitting next to someone at work and exchanging chit chat once in awhile is much of a relationship.

If I were to pin down a single thing that has changed me most by being here, it's my definition of a relationship.  I think a relationship is defined by two peoples desire to interact on a personal level on a regular basis.  I think without that, you really don't have a relationship, and rather you have an acquaintanceship.  I just don't know that I want to be a voyeur to all my acquaintances I know on Facebook.

Maybe I've grown out of Facebook.

Maybe instead of letting the tool use me, I should be using the tool.  It's good for networking, and I am going to want a job a year from now.  I just guess at that time, I'll need to still have a Facebook   Maybe, though, now, I need to quit going to the website and break this stupid habit.

Learned some things about myself last night...

I stayed, for the first time, overnight, at the J fam's house.  It had gotten late, and there wasn't anyone to drive me home, so my friend asked me to just stay the night.  I thought this was ok, but it turns out it was kind of miserable.

I am much more a creature of habit then I thought.  When did I get to be this old and set in my ways?

First, I was in an unfamiliar bed, and that is always hard to sleep where you are not used to sleeping.  But I did not have my aspirin and Benedryl, so sleep was even more elusive.  I worried I'd end up with a second migraine.  Then...my friend snores.  Not bad, but if I'm going to listen to snoring I just as well do so with the husband.  So, snoring made me homesick.  Lastly, I am simply not built for sleeping in heat.  In my bedroom, I always have a fan going.  It was very, very hot, and I didn't want to wake Feda'a up fiddling with her fans.  Then, I also had a 5:30 am appointment for a parent teacher conference.  I could not have my phone on, because I kept getting texts.  I was afraid that it would not go off, and if I silence it, I also do not get an alarm clock.  When I would drift off, I would wake up again.  Eventually, I left to go sleep in their living room.

I'm long.  The couch is not.  No bueno.

I don't sleep without earplugs even in my own apartment, so the air pushing squeaky doors around also was a problem.  I did the conference, and then did not bother going back to sleep, since it would be light soon.  Everyone in Jordan turns their homes into cages, and everything locks from the inside.  I debated for quite a while about whether to just go and leave a door unlocked, or if I should wait.  Eventually, I realized that my over shirt was still in my friend's bedroom, and so walking down the street in a tank top is a bad idea.

After only two hours of sleep, it finally was late enough people got up.  So, I walked home and am going to crash as soon as my breakfast of spaghetti is done.  It's the least complicated thing to make in my house and I'm hungry...don't judge!  I'm out of cheese, so it won't even be very good.

Yesterday, I had a long discussion with the J family about our governmental system, and why I am not happy with our current president.  It was entirely in Arabic, and I only needed a little help with a few words.  Arabic is coming along well if I can have abstract conversations like this.

They, of course, consider Bush the worst president of all time.  Many would agree.  However, I liked that at least you knew what you didn't care for with Bush.  Obama is smarmy.  You just never know with him until it's too late.  Mostly, I think it doesn't matter what I think, because my state will vote red, and I will not sway that one way or the other, whatever my choice.  Mostly, I will vote for the experience of doing so out of the country.  Probably will never have that opportunity again.

TGIT

First semi-migraine since I've arrived.  I consider myself really lucky, since I've be so stressed.  It never really materialized into a headache.  Really, it just kept doing the sound and light sensitivity, dizziness, and then not able to communicate well in Arabic.  When I walked by the Libyan guard this morning, I couldn't think of one word to say in response to his morning Arabic lesson he tries to give me.  He asked what was wrong with me, and I told him mariida (sick), but then he looked at me like, you look fine.  After a minute, he kind of smiled.  I think he thought I was on something, or maybe had too much fun last night.

Lots of stressful things have really kind of faded some.  I refuse to think about issues from home that have been stressful, and as long as I don't think about missing people, I'm not homesick very much.  I still have not heard back to find out if I will be able to have my spring semester here or not, and this really bums me out.  I'd hoped to know one way or the other by now.  What will be, will be, though.  The universe usually takes good care of me.

I'm trying to live just off of my stipend here, so I decided I could no longer spend money on taxis.  Instead, I was going to insist on riding the bus to and from school, but I was unsure where it picked up.  I knew the general location since I had been dropped off the day before on the opposite side of the street.  I asked the street sweeper guy, and he kind of told me where to be, but I could not find it.  Eventually, another student came.  I told her what I was trying to do.  She asked me what I was studying, and since I had the migraine, my Arabic was extra bad.  She said, "You are studying Arabic, and your Arabic is bad??"  These ladies tell it like it is out here, lol.  So, I told her, "That's why I am studying.  If it was good, I wouldn't need to be here.!"  Two buses past our bus stop that were full, which meant they would not be stopping for us.  Another student showed up, and she and the other girl decided we needed a taxi.  Between the three of us, it was almost the same as the bus anyway.  My new friend, Jasmine, told me she expected me to be at the bus stop Sunday morning at 7:20.  It was funny for this girl to act like my mom when I easily had fifteen years on her.

I really struggled throughout the day to stay in school, because I really did feel horrible.  I had a quiz and I know I didn't do that well.  I also knew that I just have to pass, since all my credits here are pass fail.  And that quiz is not that big of a component to my grade.

Right now, I am at my internship, having completed pretty much everything I was supposed to do already.  The work ethic here is a lot slower than at home.  Nothing is an emergency, and things can always wait until tomorrow.  My boss went home sick, and I can't do anything else until she returns to approve my content for the website.

My husband asked me what it is that I do here.  How's this for my resume:

Information Retention, Conservation, and Development
Website Design and Maintenance
Information Acquisition and Distribution

Sounds pretty good I think.  Because Jordan is a developing country, they don't have things in place which are things you'd take for granted in the states.  For example,  their filing system is a stack of random papers on a bunch of people's desks, or put in files in closets, possibly in order, but no SPECIFIC order.  It's really just however the most recent person thought they should be arranged.  They just recently got a server, and the mail room scans EVERYTHING, and then it goes into a random file located by date, but no identifying features in its file name, so nothing can be found.  It works better to just sift through the papers on a desk.  There is no place for contacts, and business cards are just xeroxed (possibly illegibly) onto a sheet of paper and then scanned.

My job is to change that.  So, myself and an actual employee here have been working on the best way to organize the files; developing a more logical system which is categorized by key words and specific blocks of numbers.  The actual work here is going to be re-archiving existing things, and then doing all the giant backlog of other documents.

The second part is creating English content from the existing materials.  I'm supposed to update the information, as well as streamline and simplify the website.  Lastly, I am in charge of the newsletter which will be distributed to investors quarterly, so I'll only have to do that once.  I am hoping all of this looks good when I'm looking for work a year from now.

Two semesters left before I can join the work force.  Still feels so far away...

Happy Coincidence...and cultural faux pas..

First, to all my family who has known of Patrick's issues with school, he just got a report card that was all great grades.  This is huge people.  So proud of that boy.

So I've had an emotional high and low today.  First, when I had that internship class yesterday, I found out that their guest speaker knows people I know, and as a result, I have some instant, new, and GROWN UP friends to start hanging out with.  Considering I'm missing grown up conversation, this is huge.  It turns out that she also knows the guy who owns the Turkish restaurant that I eat at all the time.  We've met as a business transaction many times, but I don't remember him, nor he me.  He told me to come in and tell them I know him, so they can give me free food.  Yes, one day, all of Jordan will feed me for free.  I'm working on it one citizen at a time.  I've still not bought dinner for myself more than twice here.

The issue with my friend that made the cultural faux pas the other day is really been a big deal -- sort of.  The reason I know my adoptive family is they are related to a student.  This student and I are friends, but I no longer have classes with her, so I never see her.  She invited me over a couple times at the beginning of the semester, and since then, I've been good friends with this family, and not really had anything to do with the other friend at all.  We just don't see each other.

I mentioned one night that I had to leave my adoptive family's house to study with a friend, and my adoptive family said I should just bring her there.  I didn't that day, but then Sunday, I brought her.  We learned a lot, and one of the older family members showed up towards the end of our visit.  He asked my friend if she had a boyfriend back home, and she told him that they were engaged.  Right before we left, the older teenage cousin showed up.  I've met him before, and he's such a great kid.  He's 19, and always smiling.  He asked for my number so he could help me if I needed it.  I didn't really think I needed his help, but I was polite and gave my number.  It's socially ok, because I'm married and have kids of my own, so I'm totally off the market.  Then he asked for my friends number...and she gave it to him.  Since she's not married...she is NOT off the market, and is giving out her number to strange new men of this family (even one who is still a teen) when she's engaged.  By the next day, my original friend, who introduced me in the first place, text me that we needed to talk.  According to her, all the family was very upset.   She'd even heard from family back in America about how she was being this duplicitous person.

The first friend told me that my other friend can't come back.  I'm still welcome, probably, but my friend is not.

Then today, I couldn't get the person I usually talk to from my adoptive family on the phone.  I was just sick, because I thought maybe it was ruined for me too.  I really love being around these people.  Over there, I feel part of something, and am no longer homesick.  Eventually, she called me back, and I told her I was so sorry.  She told me I was her sister, and not to worry about it.  She wanted me to stop calling Grandma T by her first name, and start calling her Mama.  Mama is always the one ordering some male member of the house hold to take me home, and dictates to the family how to best take care of me.  Today, the teenage boy was back, and Mama did not allow him to go home until I'd finished a massage on the family member with the frozen ankle, and I was ready to come home.  Poor kid had worked on his feet for the last ten hours, and was so tired. But he was a good sport, and when he dropped me off, he, as always, told me to call him if I needed anything at all.  He wouldn't drive away until I seemed to enthusiastically agree.

The older family member who stopped by Sunday, called the second friend.  He confirmed that we were supposed to do lunch on Saturday.  In all the worry, I'd forgotten that we'd committed to it.  I'm a little wary of it, since so many other people are upset, but this is at a different house.  She is insisting on going, and I am debating on whether I go or not, because I don't want to be part of whatever new mess she creates for herself.

AAAaaahhhhh...the drama.....

College kids

College kids are annoying.  I've known this for a long time, but in the past I didn't have to function with them for so much of the day.  I only had to deal with them in my actual class, and then I'd go home to people I like better, and all is well.  Now, however, I have to be around them all the time, or be in my apartment spending much more on internet. 

Many of them keep asking me to fix things for them.  Being the oldest here, I've ended up being people's mom, and at first, I was happy to help.  I had my own homesickness, but some of these kids have been pretty miserable.  It made me feel better, or at least distracted me from my own issues.  I helped them find strategies to fight it, and made them feel better.  Sadly, it seems I opened a door that now is issuing constant demands. 

For example, I burned the companion disk to one of my texts books to my computer.  It's lucky, because I misplaced it before I left, and I have a copy now on my computer.  The other day, I had another student who "heard" I had it like that and wanted a copy.  Well, it's huge file, and a major pain to explain to her how to do it, and she's on a crappy mac anyway.  Everything is always harder on a mac.  She's talked about all kinds of trips she is taking to Egypt or other flights, but she can't just buy the disk.  This country has no copyright laws, so it's all legal here, but I do have other things to do.  She didn't even want to download anything on her own time.  She just wanted me to do it for her. 

Another student is outright snippy with me at times.  She's been the one I've helped the most, and so I'm very tired of her.  She has few good things to say or positive behaviors to behave with, until of course she brings up her desire to hang out with my adoptive family.  Fortunately, she made a major cultural error, and she doesn't know it, but she can't go back.  She also wants me to fix her computer, and handle other things for her.  She made a joke to the professor when I fixed HIS computer that this ability is why she is my friend.  Truer words have not been spoken.

This morning, this other student, who had never said a word to me, comes in and interrupts my studies with a "HEY YOU."  I look up, and he knows my face enough to know he's in my classes, but does not know my name.  But now he wants me to explain in detail the homework.  I told him, and went back to studying, and then he interrupted me again, repeatedly, to check  if what he did is what I did LAST NIGHT when homework was supposed to be done.  Then he and his three friends decide to have a very loud skype conversation with Egypt airlines to change their booking for a flight to Egypt during the Eid break this month.  Many people are studying here.  So rude!

Another student, who never talks to me, joined me and someone else for lunch yesterday.  We've had a couple passing words over the last month, but then she told me that her homestay has a curfew of 10 pm, could she stay at my house some times?  Not that she wanted me to come hang out with her.  She just wanted to be able to get me up in the middle of the night to unlock the door, so she could sleep there, and use my bathroom.  Honestly, I am here to learn Arabic, not hang out in the bar, or hang out with a bunch of English speakers, so I don't even want to hang out.  But I thought this was pretty blatant.  I didn't tell her no, because if she got herself stranded somewhere, I'd feel horrible if something happened.  This morning, she walked into the coffee shop, didn't even say hello, and sat down.  I guess she also got what she wanted. 

So ya.  College kids are annoying.  I am confused by the fact that they are totally ok with asking for stuff all the time without developing any kind of a relationship with the people they want things from.  It is getting really old.

looking up

Today, I feel like I've got one foot firmly cemented in acceptance of being here.  I've not felt really homesick since Friday, and any unhappiness has to do with specific situations, rather than my actual wanting to be home.  I hate to jinx it with saying I'm possibly happy now, but things do feel a bunch better.

I had my class that is the companion to my internship today.  It's always a very late day on Mondays, because I'm at school from around 8 until 6:20.  It's a really long, long day.  Class was particularly interesting, because it was about finding jobs that require trips overseas.  It was mentioned that because my study abroad is in the Middle East, I'm doubly marketable to the business world, especially after I finish my MBA.  Most people don't know that Jordan is Middle East Lite...only sort of a developing country.  Mostly,  people assume that it's a bunch of suffering, and if you're working, like I am in my internship, then surely I must have great problem solving skills.  We discussed individual career paths for possible interests, I really ended up being the focus of the discussion, so I got a lot of really great ideas.

So I'm ok.  :)