on the way home

I'm sitting in Dubai airport for my lovely five hour lay over.  I am terrified of flying, and so I took something in Jordan, and it's still percolating in my system....I'm so tired sitting here in Dubai.  I is 9:30 and I have to stay awake until 2:50 in the morning.  Not sure how I'll make it.

So this trip with my mom was probably one of my all time favorites ever.  For the first time, I got to have an awesome, amazing place to show off.  I got to communicate mostly in Arabic, and got to learn to direct in Amman (which my program said was impossible; don't even try).  We had a really fun trip and I learned something extra about my camera...right before it broke.  So, after I get it fixed, I'll have another tool to add to my picture taking skills.

Best of all, I learned that I can function just fine traveling alone in the world.  My Arabic is good enough; I can ask for help from people, and understand the basic message.  I'm not fluent, but I am conversant.  I still have plenty of work to do, but I definitely did accomplish a ton.  I also learned about my own personal boundaries, and what I will and will not do.  I'm ok with people not living up to my expectations.  And, I'm fine doing something completely different and deciding to make it work.  I think these skills are ones that few people decide to step out of their comfort zones for.I'm really glad I did.

I'm so happy to get home.

In the coming days, I'll try to remember all the little stories of what happened on our trip, and put up pictures.  One that comes to my mind right now is about the dude that tried to rip us off at Jerash.

He convinced us to go up the side of a mountain and he did show us cool stuff.  He spent five minutes explaining that the rocks at the top of the structures, which linked two standing pillars  would make noise if there was seismic activity.  They would bong.  it was really cool.  Then when we were done with him, he decided he deserved a JD for his time.  Out here, a JD almost gets me to school, and that includes the cost of the gas.  He went to my mom first, and asked for it, and I said no.  That's too expensive.  I offered him a quarter, and he told me that was nothing, like he was so insulted.  We didn't ask him for any information at all, so I was offended that my quarter wasn't good enough.  So I said, ok...you get nothing, and started to walk away.  He started explaining again that he deserved a JD and I told him no, and now you're harassing me.  Go away.  He was gone for a while, but then we crossed paths again.  He pulled the same crap, and I was like ok, it sounds like I need to go find someone to help with my problem.  He immediately backed off and did not holler at us again.  I suspect that he was one of those who I saw jump the fence, and were making their living off of tourists without having to actually have a job.

I think it made me so angry because it's the attitude that Americans are wealthy so they should have to part with that money.  However, this irritates me.  First, people don't stay wealthy from every dude who thinks they want my money.  Second, I am NOT wealthy.  Third, he did not provide an amazing, intensive service.  For him, he was getting 60 JD an hour, which equates to like 80 Dollars, all for telling a few little facts.  it just wasn't worth it.  So, I was irritated.

When I arrived here, I was afraid that you could not call men out on their stupid behavior.  However, it turns out there's no problem with that, and this was the first time I really stood up for myself.  I won that arguement, and did not suffer any consequences for it.

Re-entry training

Yep, that's right folks...I just learned how to be an American again.  If they were not bribing me to do this, I so wouldn't have went.  But...since they did...it occurred to me that some of the things they said never even crossed my mind and it was a good thing that I went.

For starters, they talked about how going home is going to be depressing.  They said you'd have a smaller, but very similar curve going from a honeymoon phase, disappointment, and then to adjustment and normalcy.  They listed a number of reasons to base the disappointment.  First...here I'm special.  I'm a tall American woman and I stand out like a sore thumb in the land of smurfs.  People here will fall all over themselves trying to help you out.  I'm going to go home, and find that I am just like everyone else now.  I'll be tall still, but I won't live in smurfland, so I won't stick out quite so bad.  No one is covered here, so I won't stick out for that reason either.  While it will be nice to not be size x-large, I'm going to probably have to adjust to not being very special anymore.

Further...people are just not going to understand what I've been through.  Being out here in this completely different culture, living an intense 4 months of language and frustration, changes you.  I'm going to go home, and not only will everyone be the same, but they probably got on with their lives just fine without me.  When people will likely tell me about how x issue was so hard for them when I was gone, it's going to be hard for me to appreciate whatever they went through, because it probably wasn't as hard as this.

I know one person that's been on an intense depressive kick for a year, when she has a loving family surrounding her, financial security, and the ability to make her life whatever she wants it to be.  Meanwhile, here, I see women kept alone in their house like puppies in a pet shop, just waiting for the right man to come along and make her a part of his life, all the while hoping that this man isn't going to actually be the worst thing that ever happened to her.  I see people in the streets that have nothing, begging with their children because they have no job, or home and this country doesn't have a bunch of social services to bail them out.  I know taxi drivers that work 18 hour days and sometimes sleep in their cars because they need to sleep every available minute so they can earn money to feed their families.  So when I hear about someone complain because they are unhappy in their job, but have the ability to change their life with the financial backing to live very comfortably with all these creature comforts...I just can't get on the poor me train.  I just can't.

People are so blessed in America, and not having the latest iPhone when you ordered it just does not constitute even a bad day.  I wish everyone could have this experience.  It gives so much perspective.

Touristing...!

My big scary Arabic finals are over, so yesterday, I went downtown to just look and be a tourist.  Downtown is just like you'd imagine a Middle Eastern Market to be.  It was full of stuff to buy at ridiculously cheap prices.  My friend actually got herself a belly dancer outfit which was cute, but only in size smurf.  Plus...money doesn't grow on trees for me, but it was fun to get her outfitted.

We went down the food market, and there's a million things going on there.  Everyone was hollering how they had the sweetest and the freshest, even this one dude who was only selling caauliflour..which confused me, but I guess he might have some really special caauliflour.

Going to miss it here so much!

The end of Arabic

Yay!  I'm about to walk into my last listening test, and then I will be finished with Arabic for the semester.  So happy!  I love this language but I'm just Arabic-ed right out.  I am ready for a break.  It's almost done though...so what more could I ask for?

I went to my usual coffee shop today and had my very last white hot chocolate, using up my last free drink while I'm here.  He tried to give me to punches back on a new card, and I said no...I'm going home.  How bittersweet are those words?

I knew I'd love it here.  I knew that there'd be a selection of things that I could so go without, such as the lack of punctuality, and the overall lack of cleanliness.  But still...there are so many things I'm going to miss.  While a burka would make me crazy...seeing the variety of dress here, from conservative burkas to the westernized Christian Jordanians...there was so much variety here.  I have appreciated the personal growth I've experienced.  This ranges from a better definition of myself, to a wider view of the world and potential of that could be.

I have not been a person who has never left my home town and have no idea how the world might be different a few thousand miles from my parents house.  I have lived in Washington D.C. and I have lived in Miami.  I've traveled to Australia  and now been the Middle East.  I know that there's a whole world of things that I don't know about.  But, as my world view continues to evolve, I continue the quest of discovering exactly how much I do not know, and how much more there is to discover.

Jordan is like half way going back in time to relive the decade of the eighties.  Yes, we have internet...there was no internet in the eighties. But people were not sue happy in the eighties, and they don't even bother to try to protect against that here.  I watched a janitor mop up some spilled coke from I don't even know when, and did not put up a caution sign that it was wet there.  People smoke everywhere, which might be more of a seventies thing, especially when you combine it with some of the ancient cars driving around.  My listening test came from a cassette tape, and I was halfway surprised my young classmates even knew what a cassette was.

I spent the night for the last night at Feda'as house.  I think she is hoping to talk me into coming again, but I don't think that I'm going to.  Tonight, I have plans, and tomorrow as well.  Then, my mom will be there and that will be the end of that.  Soon, this next week will be over, and I can go home.  Oh, how sweet that will be.

I know I am pretty much a part of that family, even though I will be leaving them soon.  The guest treatment is long gone, and the inconsiderate stuff we always do to the one's we love most happens all the time now.  I'm going to so miss these people.  I hope that one day I get to come back and visit with them again.  Oh, how bitter sweet goodbye's really are.

Biblical Jordan

My program has 2 trips a semester.  The first one is the big weekend trip.  Then the second one is a one day trip.  This semester, the day trip could either be a trip to the Dead Sea, or the Biblical Jordan.  I chose Biblical Jordan, with the thought that maybe it would be historically really interesting.

There is so much that I have to do all the time, that I just did not feel like I had time to do this trip.  I have my vocab and what not mostly memorized, but part of being alive is occasionally resting.  Since I did that trip, I did not get a rest day, and it will not be until next weekend that I get to rest.  So, going into the trip, my attitude was less than enthusiastic.

First off, we went to where they baptize people at the river Jordan.  This is the lowest place on earth, with it being more than 400 km below sea level.  On the bus, I watched my bottle water squish as we continued to descend.  Once we were there, we were warned that there were aggressive flies which only like to land on your eyes and mouth, and are not shooed away by merely shaking your head.  They aren't thick, but they are extremely annoying.

We walked to where Jesus was baptized.  At this place, it is a dry pit, but back in the day, it used to be full of water.  You can see the three different constructions of a church at this place.  The down side of all these sites is that most of the grandness of the site is in your own imagination.  Most of the time, these places are 2000+ years old, and so only foundations are left.  This place was called the church of clothes, since it was where Christ disrobed to be baptized.

Next, we walked through this path that had turned into a tunnel with overgrowth.  The desert makes me paranoid of bugs, since they have such horrible mean one's.  I was paranoid they would drop in my hair, and since I am not smurf sized like the rest of the country, I was constantly stooping to not bang my head.  It was neat looking though, and it opened out just before a gate to see the river Jordan.

In this area, there's guards with machine guns, just waiting for someone to swim across.  The river is only 20 feet, but on one side you are in Jordan, and on the other side, you are in Palestine.  It's close enough, that if allowed, I could throw a rock.  Crossing, and rock throwing, is not allowed, and we were warned countless times about how stupid this would be.  Of course, no one actually wanted to touch the water in any way, so there was no danger of this.  Many people who go for baptisms or a ritual washing come away from the experience sick.  According to my friend's conservation of water class, this river is particularly disgusting, and not worth touching.

Many of the groups that were here had come for their deep spiritual beliefs.  There were at least 3 different Christian groups, including Greek Orthodox  Protestants, and Roman Catholics.  I could not tell the difference, but this Asian student, who is a deeply pious Catholic, walked with my friend and I, and told us the differences.  He knew so much, and was the best tour guide.

After the baptism site, we went to a Greek Orthodox Church.  The paintings inside were beautiful, and of course, all the writings were in Greek.  These bones here were in a relic box, and were found when the earth was dug up around the churches.  According to the box, they were the bones of saints, but were unnamed saints.

Next, we got on the bus and went to Mount Nebo.  This is where God told Moses to go so he could see the land that was promised to him and his people.  The view here was quite expansive.

The inside of the church had an ancient map.  This map showed the different places that one could go for religious worship, or where the divisions of the kingdoms were.  The tour guide really was quite proud of this little bit of history, and kept thoroughly describing the same things over and over again.  Then we went to actually see the map, and the church which houses it.  In the basement of the church, there is a glass shelving area.  This shelf was filled with prayers from people.  It was really kind of interesting.

By now, we were hungry, grumpy, and hot.  The last couple times my program had fed us, it had been really gross, and I was in no mood to have more food.  Still, they insisted on an hour break at this one restaurant.  According to my program, they said that it is the best restaurant in Jordan.  They also said mansef was good, but I think it is horrid, and have not trusted their judgement since.

This place was amazing.  It was very mediterranean.  While there was some Arabic food, it was a good even mix, and I had to agree it was the best place to eat.  We were there for an hour, and then we left for our final place.

It was described as a castle.  We drove clear out to a high point in the middle of no where.  I do not know what possessed someone to build a castle in this spot because nothing grows, and it is a huge hike.  I could not understand how they got food and other things up to this castle.

There was the long way, down this path, and the short way, up the side of the mountain.  We went the short way.  When we got to the top...we saw that it was not a castle anymore, but instead just a foundation.  The castle had long ago disappeared.  There were various pits, which were obviously intentionally built, but we could not figure out what they were for.  It appeared their current use was a garbage can since there were a couple wrappers in the bottom of it.

Going back, we walked along the path, and then got into the bus.  By now, we were so tired, and were ready to go home.  We were scheduled to be home at 5:30, but true to the ME, we got home at 7:30.  There was not much time or energy for homework, so I just went to bed.

Self reflection...again!

When you spend a couple days at a time studying in your apartment, with no one else around, you do a lot of self reflection.  I mean a ton...anything to get out of doing homework, right?

So, I've been thinking about the relationships I've been disappointed in since I've been here. I've decided that a lot of those disappointments are really my own fault.  I was thinking about it, and my pattern of relationships is that I meet this awesome new person, or I decide to make a new effort with an old relationship.  Everyone has needs, and I hear about these needs, and instantly, I'm their new best friend...I'm helpful, and a shoulder to lean on, and no one even has to ask.  I give of myself freely, and I think I'm this selfless person.  Then, when I need something a few months down the road, perhaps emotional support or whatever, I am let down, and so resentful.  I'm so upset that this person would just behave like I don't matter.

But really I'm not selfless.  It was quite the opposite really.

I realized this morning that I don't give freely.  I give and give, but with the expectation that I will be able to count on them in the future.  But I wait so, so long before I ever ask for something that my actions say something totally different.  I set up this pattern where my actions say "I want to give and you don't ever have to give anything back.  I'll just keep dishing it out."  This will go on for months, and I feel happy, and fulfilled because I think I'm having these deep and meaningful friendships.  Really, though, when the time comes that I need some support, my actions have just made me a big fat liar.  Now my actions say, "hang on...turns out you need to give too, and you've racked up quite the bill, so you better make it right."  When people don't respond how I feel they should, then I'm resentful, and angry, and I feel so hurt.

This insight felt like a piano being dropped on my head.  Ew, I am this ugly person who is not giving at all.  I really don't like the realization that I keep score.

So...what did we learn here.

First, better boundaries.  I read today about someone looking at the difference between giving and being generous (while not studying for a final, I might add).  Giving suggests that there's a shortage of something, and I'll go without so you can have.  Generosity suggests that I have enough, and here's some extra I have and I'll give it to you.  I kind of like this difference, and it has made me kind of adjust my train of thinking.   I don't need to volunteer to help out every time someone is a little uncomfortable.  I don't usually even wait to be asked...I just do it.  So maybe I need to wait.  There is nothing wrong with helping out when asked.  But when not asked, you can't keep score if no one asked you to the party in the first place.  So, I'm not going to do that anymore.

Second, maybe cut other people some slack.  I don't know what this really means, since I don't feel like I can say, by the way...I'm not going to volunteer to give anymore without sounding like a horribly angry person.  I also can't say to people that are takers that they now have to reverse this dynamic, and things need to be fair.  The world just doesn't work where that kind of honesty would be appreciated.  But maybe, I should not be so resentful for setting up the rules, and then being angry when people follow them.

And third, find other givers.  Opposites attract, and one of the big problems with being a score keeping giver is that you attract takers who only stick around until it's time to give back and then they are gone.    I would feel guilty if I did that, so maybe I need to find other givers, so there can be balance.  I need to make better relationship choices, and not expect people to be who they are not.

Fourth...maybe I could stop holding grudges.  I'm not sure how to fix this about myself, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do it.

Lastly, I need to be ok with asking for things for myself, without feeling guilty.  For example, when Feda'a asks me to come over, I need to not feel guilty because I have homework and can't.  Worse, I need to not just go anyway because her life sucks and I don't want to make it worse.  I have needs too, and because I am terrible at respecting those needs, I don't see how anyone else would respect them either.  Feda'a is responsible for her happiness; not me.  I can be a positive point in her life, but ultimately her happiness is not my job.  Nothing I can ever do will make her happy, especially when she is so unwilling to try and improve her life herself.

I am who I am.  I am rough around the edges, and like everyone else, I am a work in progress.  I just need to keep on working.

Frustrations

Today...I'm at the end of my last week.  And the end of my rope with Jordanians.

I have two weeks left to be here, and next week involves finals.  Meanwhile, my friend made nice with the ex-re-ex-re-boyfriend, after I gave up an entire day of studying this week to be the supportive friend.  I only know this because she had rejoined the family, but he called, and I know his ring tone, and she felt like she had to leave.  Aw...forbidden love and all that.  She wanted me to stay the night, and then be back tomorrow, and then be back the next day...and I have finals.  Really, I have explained this a million times, and I am not sure why they can't understand.

And then...almost as frustrating as this, is they asked me to buy more American stuff so that my mother can bring it when she comes next week.  I do not need more Jordanian Dinar while I'm here.  My husband just finished getting the first things.  And...this particular family member only bothers to talk to me if she wants a massage, or if she wants more from America.  So, I'm really kind of not in a place to entertain that.  What with the death of my friend, and the stress of finals...I can't.

They also had people over, and I understand 80% of everything I hear, even if I can't communicate on the same level.  Rofida spent the whole time discussing what their little American friend could provide them.  They dumbed it down when it came to telling me what she wanted.  I really don't think Rofida knows I understand so much.  Luckily, she's the only bad apple in a bunch of sweethearts.

So we went home, only having been there for an hour.  It's the first time ever I have went home angry.

On the upside, we finished blinging out Frank.  I don't know why people here have pets.  They don't name them, or make them any part of their lives.  They only put them in a cage and toss food occasionally at them.  I convinced them that first, he needs a name and it's Frank.  Second, he's a reptile, and can't be kept in the 45 degree portion of their house, so now he's not miserable all the time in his tiny cage.  And he is really pretty metro now that he's a rhinestone cowboy.  :)

Those bits of beauty are painted with clear nail polish, so they won't fall off.