on the way home

I'm sitting in Dubai airport for my lovely five hour lay over.  I am terrified of flying, and so I took something in Jordan, and it's still percolating in my system....I'm so tired sitting here in Dubai.  I is 9:30 and I have to stay awake until 2:50 in the morning.  Not sure how I'll make it.

So this trip with my mom was probably one of my all time favorites ever.  For the first time, I got to have an awesome, amazing place to show off.  I got to communicate mostly in Arabic, and got to learn to direct in Amman (which my program said was impossible; don't even try).  We had a really fun trip and I learned something extra about my camera...right before it broke.  So, after I get it fixed, I'll have another tool to add to my picture taking skills.

Best of all, I learned that I can function just fine traveling alone in the world.  My Arabic is good enough; I can ask for help from people, and understand the basic message.  I'm not fluent, but I am conversant.  I still have plenty of work to do, but I definitely did accomplish a ton.  I also learned about my own personal boundaries, and what I will and will not do.  I'm ok with people not living up to my expectations.  And, I'm fine doing something completely different and deciding to make it work.  I think these skills are ones that few people decide to step out of their comfort zones for.I'm really glad I did.

I'm so happy to get home.

In the coming days, I'll try to remember all the little stories of what happened on our trip, and put up pictures.  One that comes to my mind right now is about the dude that tried to rip us off at Jerash.

He convinced us to go up the side of a mountain and he did show us cool stuff.  He spent five minutes explaining that the rocks at the top of the structures, which linked two standing pillars  would make noise if there was seismic activity.  They would bong.  it was really cool.  Then when we were done with him, he decided he deserved a JD for his time.  Out here, a JD almost gets me to school, and that includes the cost of the gas.  He went to my mom first, and asked for it, and I said no.  That's too expensive.  I offered him a quarter, and he told me that was nothing, like he was so insulted.  We didn't ask him for any information at all, so I was offended that my quarter wasn't good enough.  So I said, ok...you get nothing, and started to walk away.  He started explaining again that he deserved a JD and I told him no, and now you're harassing me.  Go away.  He was gone for a while, but then we crossed paths again.  He pulled the same crap, and I was like ok, it sounds like I need to go find someone to help with my problem.  He immediately backed off and did not holler at us again.  I suspect that he was one of those who I saw jump the fence, and were making their living off of tourists without having to actually have a job.

I think it made me so angry because it's the attitude that Americans are wealthy so they should have to part with that money.  However, this irritates me.  First, people don't stay wealthy from every dude who thinks they want my money.  Second, I am NOT wealthy.  Third, he did not provide an amazing, intensive service.  For him, he was getting 60 JD an hour, which equates to like 80 Dollars, all for telling a few little facts.  it just wasn't worth it.  So, I was irritated.

When I arrived here, I was afraid that you could not call men out on their stupid behavior.  However, it turns out there's no problem with that, and this was the first time I really stood up for myself.  I won that arguement, and did not suffer any consequences for it.

Re-entry training

Yep, that's right folks...I just learned how to be an American again.  If they were not bribing me to do this, I so wouldn't have went.  But...since they did...it occurred to me that some of the things they said never even crossed my mind and it was a good thing that I went.

For starters, they talked about how going home is going to be depressing.  They said you'd have a smaller, but very similar curve going from a honeymoon phase, disappointment, and then to adjustment and normalcy.  They listed a number of reasons to base the disappointment.  First...here I'm special.  I'm a tall American woman and I stand out like a sore thumb in the land of smurfs.  People here will fall all over themselves trying to help you out.  I'm going to go home, and find that I am just like everyone else now.  I'll be tall still, but I won't live in smurfland, so I won't stick out quite so bad.  No one is covered here, so I won't stick out for that reason either.  While it will be nice to not be size x-large, I'm going to probably have to adjust to not being very special anymore.

Further...people are just not going to understand what I've been through.  Being out here in this completely different culture, living an intense 4 months of language and frustration, changes you.  I'm going to go home, and not only will everyone be the same, but they probably got on with their lives just fine without me.  When people will likely tell me about how x issue was so hard for them when I was gone, it's going to be hard for me to appreciate whatever they went through, because it probably wasn't as hard as this.

I know one person that's been on an intense depressive kick for a year, when she has a loving family surrounding her, financial security, and the ability to make her life whatever she wants it to be.  Meanwhile, here, I see women kept alone in their house like puppies in a pet shop, just waiting for the right man to come along and make her a part of his life, all the while hoping that this man isn't going to actually be the worst thing that ever happened to her.  I see people in the streets that have nothing, begging with their children because they have no job, or home and this country doesn't have a bunch of social services to bail them out.  I know taxi drivers that work 18 hour days and sometimes sleep in their cars because they need to sleep every available minute so they can earn money to feed their families.  So when I hear about someone complain because they are unhappy in their job, but have the ability to change their life with the financial backing to live very comfortably with all these creature comforts...I just can't get on the poor me train.  I just can't.

People are so blessed in America, and not having the latest iPhone when you ordered it just does not constitute even a bad day.  I wish everyone could have this experience.  It gives so much perspective.

Touristing...!

My big scary Arabic finals are over, so yesterday, I went downtown to just look and be a tourist.  Downtown is just like you'd imagine a Middle Eastern Market to be.  It was full of stuff to buy at ridiculously cheap prices.  My friend actually got herself a belly dancer outfit which was cute, but only in size smurf.  Plus...money doesn't grow on trees for me, but it was fun to get her outfitted.

We went down the food market, and there's a million things going on there.  Everyone was hollering how they had the sweetest and the freshest, even this one dude who was only selling caauliflour..which confused me, but I guess he might have some really special caauliflour.

Going to miss it here so much!

The end of Arabic

Yay!  I'm about to walk into my last listening test, and then I will be finished with Arabic for the semester.  So happy!  I love this language but I'm just Arabic-ed right out.  I am ready for a break.  It's almost done though...so what more could I ask for?

I went to my usual coffee shop today and had my very last white hot chocolate, using up my last free drink while I'm here.  He tried to give me to punches back on a new card, and I said no...I'm going home.  How bittersweet are those words?

I knew I'd love it here.  I knew that there'd be a selection of things that I could so go without, such as the lack of punctuality, and the overall lack of cleanliness.  But still...there are so many things I'm going to miss.  While a burka would make me crazy...seeing the variety of dress here, from conservative burkas to the westernized Christian Jordanians...there was so much variety here.  I have appreciated the personal growth I've experienced.  This ranges from a better definition of myself, to a wider view of the world and potential of that could be.

I have not been a person who has never left my home town and have no idea how the world might be different a few thousand miles from my parents house.  I have lived in Washington D.C. and I have lived in Miami.  I've traveled to Australia  and now been the Middle East.  I know that there's a whole world of things that I don't know about.  But, as my world view continues to evolve, I continue the quest of discovering exactly how much I do not know, and how much more there is to discover.

Jordan is like half way going back in time to relive the decade of the eighties.  Yes, we have internet...there was no internet in the eighties. But people were not sue happy in the eighties, and they don't even bother to try to protect against that here.  I watched a janitor mop up some spilled coke from I don't even know when, and did not put up a caution sign that it was wet there.  People smoke everywhere, which might be more of a seventies thing, especially when you combine it with some of the ancient cars driving around.  My listening test came from a cassette tape, and I was halfway surprised my young classmates even knew what a cassette was.

I spent the night for the last night at Feda'as house.  I think she is hoping to talk me into coming again, but I don't think that I'm going to.  Tonight, I have plans, and tomorrow as well.  Then, my mom will be there and that will be the end of that.  Soon, this next week will be over, and I can go home.  Oh, how sweet that will be.

I know I am pretty much a part of that family, even though I will be leaving them soon.  The guest treatment is long gone, and the inconsiderate stuff we always do to the one's we love most happens all the time now.  I'm going to so miss these people.  I hope that one day I get to come back and visit with them again.  Oh, how bitter sweet goodbye's really are.

Biblical Jordan

My program has 2 trips a semester.  The first one is the big weekend trip.  Then the second one is a one day trip.  This semester, the day trip could either be a trip to the Dead Sea, or the Biblical Jordan.  I chose Biblical Jordan, with the thought that maybe it would be historically really interesting.

There is so much that I have to do all the time, that I just did not feel like I had time to do this trip.  I have my vocab and what not mostly memorized, but part of being alive is occasionally resting.  Since I did that trip, I did not get a rest day, and it will not be until next weekend that I get to rest.  So, going into the trip, my attitude was less than enthusiastic.

First off, we went to where they baptize people at the river Jordan.  This is the lowest place on earth, with it being more than 400 km below sea level.  On the bus, I watched my bottle water squish as we continued to descend.  Once we were there, we were warned that there were aggressive flies which only like to land on your eyes and mouth, and are not shooed away by merely shaking your head.  They aren't thick, but they are extremely annoying.

We walked to where Jesus was baptized.  At this place, it is a dry pit, but back in the day, it used to be full of water.  You can see the three different constructions of a church at this place.  The down side of all these sites is that most of the grandness of the site is in your own imagination.  Most of the time, these places are 2000+ years old, and so only foundations are left.  This place was called the church of clothes, since it was where Christ disrobed to be baptized.

Next, we walked through this path that had turned into a tunnel with overgrowth.  The desert makes me paranoid of bugs, since they have such horrible mean one's.  I was paranoid they would drop in my hair, and since I am not smurf sized like the rest of the country, I was constantly stooping to not bang my head.  It was neat looking though, and it opened out just before a gate to see the river Jordan.

In this area, there's guards with machine guns, just waiting for someone to swim across.  The river is only 20 feet, but on one side you are in Jordan, and on the other side, you are in Palestine.  It's close enough, that if allowed, I could throw a rock.  Crossing, and rock throwing, is not allowed, and we were warned countless times about how stupid this would be.  Of course, no one actually wanted to touch the water in any way, so there was no danger of this.  Many people who go for baptisms or a ritual washing come away from the experience sick.  According to my friend's conservation of water class, this river is particularly disgusting, and not worth touching.

Many of the groups that were here had come for their deep spiritual beliefs.  There were at least 3 different Christian groups, including Greek Orthodox  Protestants, and Roman Catholics.  I could not tell the difference, but this Asian student, who is a deeply pious Catholic, walked with my friend and I, and told us the differences.  He knew so much, and was the best tour guide.

After the baptism site, we went to a Greek Orthodox Church.  The paintings inside were beautiful, and of course, all the writings were in Greek.  These bones here were in a relic box, and were found when the earth was dug up around the churches.  According to the box, they were the bones of saints, but were unnamed saints.

Next, we got on the bus and went to Mount Nebo.  This is where God told Moses to go so he could see the land that was promised to him and his people.  The view here was quite expansive.

The inside of the church had an ancient map.  This map showed the different places that one could go for religious worship, or where the divisions of the kingdoms were.  The tour guide really was quite proud of this little bit of history, and kept thoroughly describing the same things over and over again.  Then we went to actually see the map, and the church which houses it.  In the basement of the church, there is a glass shelving area.  This shelf was filled with prayers from people.  It was really kind of interesting.

By now, we were hungry, grumpy, and hot.  The last couple times my program had fed us, it had been really gross, and I was in no mood to have more food.  Still, they insisted on an hour break at this one restaurant.  According to my program, they said that it is the best restaurant in Jordan.  They also said mansef was good, but I think it is horrid, and have not trusted their judgement since.

This place was amazing.  It was very mediterranean.  While there was some Arabic food, it was a good even mix, and I had to agree it was the best place to eat.  We were there for an hour, and then we left for our final place.

It was described as a castle.  We drove clear out to a high point in the middle of no where.  I do not know what possessed someone to build a castle in this spot because nothing grows, and it is a huge hike.  I could not understand how they got food and other things up to this castle.

There was the long way, down this path, and the short way, up the side of the mountain.  We went the short way.  When we got to the top...we saw that it was not a castle anymore, but instead just a foundation.  The castle had long ago disappeared.  There were various pits, which were obviously intentionally built, but we could not figure out what they were for.  It appeared their current use was a garbage can since there were a couple wrappers in the bottom of it.

Going back, we walked along the path, and then got into the bus.  By now, we were so tired, and were ready to go home.  We were scheduled to be home at 5:30, but true to the ME, we got home at 7:30.  There was not much time or energy for homework, so I just went to bed.

Self reflection...again!

When you spend a couple days at a time studying in your apartment, with no one else around, you do a lot of self reflection.  I mean a ton...anything to get out of doing homework, right?

So, I've been thinking about the relationships I've been disappointed in since I've been here. I've decided that a lot of those disappointments are really my own fault.  I was thinking about it, and my pattern of relationships is that I meet this awesome new person, or I decide to make a new effort with an old relationship.  Everyone has needs, and I hear about these needs, and instantly, I'm their new best friend...I'm helpful, and a shoulder to lean on, and no one even has to ask.  I give of myself freely, and I think I'm this selfless person.  Then, when I need something a few months down the road, perhaps emotional support or whatever, I am let down, and so resentful.  I'm so upset that this person would just behave like I don't matter.

But really I'm not selfless.  It was quite the opposite really.

I realized this morning that I don't give freely.  I give and give, but with the expectation that I will be able to count on them in the future.  But I wait so, so long before I ever ask for something that my actions say something totally different.  I set up this pattern where my actions say "I want to give and you don't ever have to give anything back.  I'll just keep dishing it out."  This will go on for months, and I feel happy, and fulfilled because I think I'm having these deep and meaningful friendships.  Really, though, when the time comes that I need some support, my actions have just made me a big fat liar.  Now my actions say, "hang on...turns out you need to give too, and you've racked up quite the bill, so you better make it right."  When people don't respond how I feel they should, then I'm resentful, and angry, and I feel so hurt.

This insight felt like a piano being dropped on my head.  Ew, I am this ugly person who is not giving at all.  I really don't like the realization that I keep score.

So...what did we learn here.

First, better boundaries.  I read today about someone looking at the difference between giving and being generous (while not studying for a final, I might add).  Giving suggests that there's a shortage of something, and I'll go without so you can have.  Generosity suggests that I have enough, and here's some extra I have and I'll give it to you.  I kind of like this difference, and it has made me kind of adjust my train of thinking.   I don't need to volunteer to help out every time someone is a little uncomfortable.  I don't usually even wait to be asked...I just do it.  So maybe I need to wait.  There is nothing wrong with helping out when asked.  But when not asked, you can't keep score if no one asked you to the party in the first place.  So, I'm not going to do that anymore.

Second, maybe cut other people some slack.  I don't know what this really means, since I don't feel like I can say, by the way...I'm not going to volunteer to give anymore without sounding like a horribly angry person.  I also can't say to people that are takers that they now have to reverse this dynamic, and things need to be fair.  The world just doesn't work where that kind of honesty would be appreciated.  But maybe, I should not be so resentful for setting up the rules, and then being angry when people follow them.

And third, find other givers.  Opposites attract, and one of the big problems with being a score keeping giver is that you attract takers who only stick around until it's time to give back and then they are gone.    I would feel guilty if I did that, so maybe I need to find other givers, so there can be balance.  I need to make better relationship choices, and not expect people to be who they are not.

Fourth...maybe I could stop holding grudges.  I'm not sure how to fix this about myself, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do it.

Lastly, I need to be ok with asking for things for myself, without feeling guilty.  For example, when Feda'a asks me to come over, I need to not feel guilty because I have homework and can't.  Worse, I need to not just go anyway because her life sucks and I don't want to make it worse.  I have needs too, and because I am terrible at respecting those needs, I don't see how anyone else would respect them either.  Feda'a is responsible for her happiness; not me.  I can be a positive point in her life, but ultimately her happiness is not my job.  Nothing I can ever do will make her happy, especially when she is so unwilling to try and improve her life herself.

I am who I am.  I am rough around the edges, and like everyone else, I am a work in progress.  I just need to keep on working.

Frustrations

Today...I'm at the end of my last week.  And the end of my rope with Jordanians.

I have two weeks left to be here, and next week involves finals.  Meanwhile, my friend made nice with the ex-re-ex-re-boyfriend, after I gave up an entire day of studying this week to be the supportive friend.  I only know this because she had rejoined the family, but he called, and I know his ring tone, and she felt like she had to leave.  Aw...forbidden love and all that.  She wanted me to stay the night, and then be back tomorrow, and then be back the next day...and I have finals.  Really, I have explained this a million times, and I am not sure why they can't understand.

And then...almost as frustrating as this, is they asked me to buy more American stuff so that my mother can bring it when she comes next week.  I do not need more Jordanian Dinar while I'm here.  My husband just finished getting the first things.  And...this particular family member only bothers to talk to me if she wants a massage, or if she wants more from America.  So, I'm really kind of not in a place to entertain that.  What with the death of my friend, and the stress of finals...I can't.

They also had people over, and I understand 80% of everything I hear, even if I can't communicate on the same level.  Rofida spent the whole time discussing what their little American friend could provide them.  They dumbed it down when it came to telling me what she wanted.  I really don't think Rofida knows I understand so much.  Luckily, she's the only bad apple in a bunch of sweethearts.

So we went home, only having been there for an hour.  It's the first time ever I have went home angry.

On the upside, we finished blinging out Frank.  I don't know why people here have pets.  They don't name them, or make them any part of their lives.  They only put them in a cage and toss food occasionally at them.  I convinced them that first, he needs a name and it's Frank.  Second, he's a reptile, and can't be kept in the 45 degree portion of their house, so now he's not miserable all the time in his tiny cage.  And he is really pretty metro now that he's a rhinestone cowboy.  :)

Those bits of beauty are painted with clear nail polish, so they won't fall off.

So I thought I was done...

But I'm not.  I had felt like I had pretty much wrapped up this experience, and was just passing this last 16 days until I stepped onto a plane.  But, this was not to be.

Yesterday, I was at work, with the normal work load.  Translate that to mean that my boss had yet again chosen not to give me anything to do, so I was working on homework.  I got a call from Feda'a, who was the one who previously had the bad break up from her forbidden phone boyfriend.  They had decided to work it out, and she was back to somewhat happy...until yesterday.  She called me, and I don't even know what she said.  Her sobs were so completely breaking up what she was trying to tell me that all I could understand was come to her house as soon as I finished work.  Knowing this was going to be a rough night, I stopped at my apartment, but did come straight to her house.

She cried all night.  Her family thought she just had a horrible headache, and it was causing all the tears.  A bunch of family came to visit, and they did so in her bedroom, presumably, because she was too sick.  Their conversation, in retrospect, was super loud like always, which if there really was a headache, then would have been agony.  But since she is broken for different reasons, the conversation was fine.

People did not act like her behavior was unusual.  Occasionally, she'd burst out in tears, and people would go quiet while she cried, but then resume their conversation when she pulled herself together.  Eventually they left, and, when we were alone, she told me that she had chosen to break up with her boyfriend, because there was no future there, and she was tired of him jerking her around.  I was proud of her, but this quickly faded while she explained to me that I would go home, and I would have a husband and children while she is left here, with nothing.  She said that this boy, way too much her junior, was her whole life, and she was convinced that she was better off dead.  This was so sad, and I'll be the first one to say I'm terrible with people.  I tried to be comforting, but I was unsuccessful, seeing as how I had people to go home to.

Eventually, I went to bed, and I heard her get up a few times through the night.  I woke up at 5, and thought I'd message Mike and see how things were.  He quickly told me that my friend had died in the night, and immediately I was so heart broken.  This woman had been a bridesmaid, and a big sister to me.  She had been patient and kind to me.  A few years ago, she had been diagnosed with a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer.  She then had a mastectomy  and has been through 2 rounds of chemotherapy.  We thought it was gone, and she had happily decided that she liked her new figure, and had went back to life.  This spring, however, she was taken to the ER because she was having a hard time breathing.  It appeared that cancer was back.  When I had found out, I had this horrible feeling that this would be the time.  For the last 8 months, she had underwent treatment, but it had spread to all of her major organs.  I spoke to her husband this morning.  He said he'd been feeding her peaches in the morning, and now she was gone.  He was numb, and in traditional army style, would not show the smallest amount of weakness.  He quickly displaced the conversation and asked how I was doing, making jokes and such on the way.  Towards the end of the conversation, he started to break down some, and decided he needed to go.  Thank God for Skype.

So she is gone.  It is surreal to think about.  School has been so intense, that I have not had much of an opportunity to make it two counties north to say hello.  I feel like there is only so much of me to go around, and had kind of come to peace with the fact that I don't get to have non-school friends until I finish my degree.  I can't do that and have family stuff, and still get into grad school.  Now that she's gone, I'm full of regret.  I should have made the time.  I should have went up there, but I didn't.  And, now it's too late.

One of my worst fears was that someone would die while I was gone.  I would not be able to go to the funeral for that closure, and feel like I could grieve how I would expect.  Many years ago, I had a dear friend die, and I did not go to the funeral.  I couldn't believe she was dead, and so I didn't go.  It is as delusional as it sounds, and to this day, I just do not have the same closure.

This time, I can't go to the funeral because I'm stuck here, and the funeral obviously not going to be something that occurs in 2 and a half weeks.  This funeral I will miss, and I will likely have a tough time processing this as well.

Last year my cousin died.  I got violently sick and missed that funeral too.  I had, however, helped with it before hand, so I felt better about it.  The year before that, my husband's mother died.

I know that as you age, the likelihood of people you know dying increases.  It seems really fast, however, at this point.  I don't understand how it has started so early.  One death a year for 3 years now.  It's no good.

Winding down

It's almost over!  I have one day left of this week, plus a week more, and classes are over.

I've been struggling with the wall.  People talk about running a marathon, and then they hit the wall, and don't feel like they could go even one more step.  Well, that's where I'm at.  I'm at the wall, and trying to force myself to push through.

Yesterday, I was so popular.  I talked to my sister, my brother, my mom, and my husband...all of which was infinitely more interesting than studying.  I think I just leaned up against the wall and did nothing for a good chunk of last night.

About half of my Christmas shopping has arrived at my mom's house.  My plans for travel with my mom are almost firmed up, and I have most of the final Fusha vocab list memorized.  I really just need to hit the rest of the amiya list so I can write my internship paper this weekend.  After that paper is turned in, I only have a power point left, as well as a small amount more of reading for my America and the Arabs class.

This last little bit of any semester is so hard, and this one is the worst with these 18 painful credits I'm taking.  Really glad it will be over very soon, and I can just relax.

On my final list of things to purchase before I can go home are ornaments for our tree, and one more gift.  I wanted a doily or scarf to use to put on my piano, and I've been looking for that right scarf for weeks.  I finally found it today, so things are about wound up.  So close...but still so far to go!

Cultural Sensitivity

When I first came to this country, my program said over and over, "Welcome to Jordan.  You are not in America."  The significance of this statement is that things will never be the familiar in Jordan, especially since I am not going to be here longer than 4 months.  Every where I turn, everything is different, and I am required to have extremely cultural sensitivity for Jordan to be able to survive.  I think I've done ok, since I've been adopted by a family here, and have had very few iffy situations.

Jordanians, however, are extremely culturally insensitive.

Evidently they really like to make fun of Asians   Asians, on the other hand, really don't like to laugh at themselves.  This makes for a really negative interaction.

Jumi, my Korean friend, gets very offended when she is greeted in Chinese   I'm not sure why this is so much more offensive then the casual questions of if I too think America is a nation of terrorists.  But it is.

Another friend, Winston, tries to be as accepting as possible.  He's this poor awkward kid that no matter how hard he tries, he is accepted by no one, natives and students alike.  It's probably because he does try so very, very hard and is just awkward and needy all the time.

My professor, he Arab Michael Scott, did not disappoint today.  Because our classrooms have glass walls, we can see the goofy students walking by.  Today, he commented again on how goofy this asian kid was.  A black girl in my class commented that his eyes were so small he probably couldn't even see.  I was pretty much floored.  She's American and knows better.

We talked about taboos yesterday in my Fusha class (formal Arabic) and we compared cultural sensitives in our different areas.  One thing I learned is that it's horrifying to Arabs to marry a black person.  When I asked why, they said...well obviously because then you end up with black babies.  No one wants that.

I really was unsure what to think about that.  This area is so conservative, perhaps I should have expected some of this, but really I didn't.  I am confused, and unsure how I'm supposed to act.  This is the problem with completely different cultures.  You just never know what exactly is appropriate, and you are ALWAYS taken by surprise.

Telephone.

Remember that game when we were kids?  I'll tell you something...and you'll tell a slew of others and at the end of a long line of people, someone repeats what was said so maybe we can compare the original message?

That was kind of fun back in the day, but not so much now when I'm really far away from home and can't even see people to do anything about it.  What's worse, it evidently was festering so long that I couldn't possibly know what I originally said that was so bad, I didn't even get talked to about it.

So this leads me to wonder about how people have long distance relationships.  There's so much military, particularly in the last 15 years or so, who have had to go overseas.  I know the divorce rate is really high for these people, so I know that it puts a major strain on marriages.  I wonder, though, about relationships of somewhat less significance.  What about relationships with siblings.   Extended family?  Friends?  Do these go on hold?  Do they come back and then just get started right where they left off?  Or are things changed forever?

I think the answers to these questions lie in understanding how a time away changes the one who leaves, and how, in their absence  life has changed the one's left behind.

Before I left, I had some fears that I'd come back and I wouldn't have the same relationships, and I think it's likely that that will come to be a reality.  People change, or maybe they let down their guard and be who they always really were, but hid because they had to see you again.  Life throws in great things and horrible things, and sometimes just a whole lot of nothing, and even that can change people some times.

On a world view level, I know I'm different.  Even if you try hard, I don't think it's possible to have much of a world view unless you go out into it.  Having been out once on my own for a pretty short time, I realize I really know nothing about the world except what my narrow American prospective gives me.  Don't get me wrong...I am still fiercely patriotic.  I love my country even though I don't agree with all its politics.  I do not love, however, how everyone in America tells me how Arabs are.  They are not all out to kill Americans, or rape any woman not waling around with a man.  They are not animals.  I can't understand how so many people will accept gays and other alternative lifestyles, but these people can not be.  I thought we were better than this?

On a personal interactions level, I have seen what family and friend devotion can look like here, and from the few people back home I talk to so frequently.  I've also experienced some disappointments in relationships which have let me down, and people not turning out to be who I thought they were.  In some cases, they became who I feared they were, but didn't want to admit.  For sure, this has been a growing experience because based on the whole of everything, I find myself making new rules and expectations for myself, as well as setting different expectations on what I will accept and what I will not.  Maybe I can become a better person, and possible make my own world a better place.

Sometimes, I hear something that bothers me, but I'm too busy to think about it and it gets discarded.  I've moved onto other things, but my subconscious takes it and runs with it.  It's like a second person, and when she's come to a conclusion, out of the blue, in the middle of some boring homework assignment  she'll say, "Hey, by the way, I have x bad news for you.  I realized something." Then what I've realized is not something I want to hear, but now maybe I need to change something about my world views.  This subconscious thing is a major buzz-kill  but there's always an upside.  In this case, maybe I can grow into a better person.

9/11

9/11 happened, and what did I do?  Did I rant and rave, and starve and protest?  Nope.  I was certainly sad, and fearful of what further attacks may happen.  However, you can only go on so long with that before you need to run to the grocery store, and your husband has to go to work.  Within an hour of the towers falling, I was out running errands.  No matter how bad your homeland gets, you still have to continue to function.

What's going on here and Palestine is pretty much the same thing.  Many of Jordan are of Palestinian decent, and so whatever anger they feel about the increased fuel prices seems to be augmented by the fact that war broke out again with their most hated enemy.  I don't blame them.  I am not an Israel supporter.

However, even though we've just had a 4 day weekend full of all kinds of protests and angst, the world does have to keep spinning.  The people need to eat, and they have to go to work.  The students can still keep hitting the streets, but grown ups have to think about the practical aspects of tomorrow.

Taxi drivers are especially accommodating these days.  I've not ever been much of a tipper since it is not expected here, but with the rise in prices I've chosen to pay a little more.  A few piaster may not mean much to me, but it's a big deal for these people who on average make 250JD an entire month with a family to feed.  I've already had a couple try to rip me off, but I've just chosen not to tip them and give them exact change.  Those who are honest are rewarded for it.

My program has also changed how it does things.  I'm still getting a couple updates a day, as we are into day 6 of protests.  UJ was open today, by my program decided it was not a great idea to have us there.  I've mentioned this before; UJ students have killed each over over less.  So, now we are only in the Khlefah Plaza building.  I've always had half of my classes there, but they have rented an additional floor in this building for us to accommodate those classes which were previously in UJ.

It's kind of an awkward set up.  The walls are glass between the rooms.  This means that we can see whatever goofy thing students walking by do, and so it is pretty distracting.  Luckily, my professor does not take his class too seriously, and when a first year student was making faces behind his back, he spun around and did it right back to her.  I swear, he's the Arab Michael Scott, destined for a spot on The Office.  Probably one of my all time favorite professors.  Imagine also the inappropriate things Michael Scott says, and then he all the more fills the role, albeit without the "that's what she said."

Our first day back was pretty boring...just the same old, same old.  I went to two classes and then went to my internship.  I don't really have anything to do right now until I get management review of the work I did this weekend, so I did homework.

When I got home, I found that my landlord had come in and "fixed the toilet."  She and I are no longer friends because she wouldn't turn on the heat because she said it was too expensive.  I thought that was a load of crap since I'm paying 14k for the privilege of being here, and I worked out the math, and even with the extravagant trips, they are still making around 4k profit on me at the very least.  I talked to the program about my dissatisfaction, and it turned out she was being a big fat liar.  So now she hates me since she got called out on it.  The toilet had acquired a small leak, and I told her about it, but she did not bother coming up to see it for days.  It's not my subflooring, so I let her do what she was going to do.  Evidently they came in today while I was at school, and ruined all my toilet paper, and removed the handle to flush the toilet.  Seems like a petty, stupid thing to do, since the leak was in a completely different part of the toilet, and just needed some plumbers tape.  Petty, petty woman.  She also pitched a fit because I've had a female friend here overnight, which is not against the rules.   I think she forgot that she rented an apartment...I paid for the right to be here, and as long as I'm not damaging things, that's really my business.  I am too old to be treated like I am a twenty something college student!

So overall, I'm safe.  There are 3 new protests going on tonight, and since there was a general strike, I expect people will be really well rested and can protest well into the night.  Since they didn't make any money today, they ought to be nice an angry when they think about paying for gas all this next week.

Continued violence...

The violence in this country is escalating.  Last night, north in Irbid, there was a bunch of protesters that attacked a police station.  One protester was killed, and then there were injuries on both sides of that confrontation.  In another are, they tore down a picture of the king and set it on fire.  This is a big deal because all buildings in Jordan have a picture of the king.  The official reason is so that people see him as a father figure in all of the country.  Really, though, the people view it as how they are reminded who is in charge.  Therefore, it makes sense that they are tearing down his picture.

A poli sci professor here at UJ says this is the start of the Jordanian spring, which frustrates me.  Even if it isn't the beginning of that, public statements like that just encourage others to join the mob because...everyone else is doing it.

I can appreciate people that are unhappy with their regime   I can understand wanting change.  I can't help but be a little selfish here, though, and be so depressed that things are going this direction.  For two years we planned and budgeted and saved.  I have spent hours and hours studying.  Going home after only one semester was always sad for me, but what if I go home sooner than that?  Will there be class on Sunday?  Will they change our credits?  Will they give me credit at all?  Will I be able to graduate next semester?  Grad school starts in the summer...I have to!  So I'm really worried about so many things, and there's not a damn thing I can do but sit here and wait.

I feel really isolated out here.  I heard from my brother, so that's something.  And I have a friend in my apartment this weekend so we can worry together.

Sigh.


There's other stuff going on that I really can't get into, but my J family laughs at me being worried.  THAT is frustrating.  They are really, really out of touch with the average person here.  My friend's host family knows everything is not fine.  Other people here know it's not ok.  But my J family's answer is it will be ok because some other country will bail us out.  Except they may or may not.  I'm frustrated that they won't take me seriously.  When I decided to walk home today, they tried to convince me I could stay after dark because it was perfectly safe, except I know that it's not from personal experience.  I don't see how they could be so out of touch, but still, they seems to be that way.

Snow day

So I'm going to put out there right now...I'm scared.

Not terrified, pee myself, what am I going to do kind of scared.  But for the first time since I've been in the Middle East, I am afraid.

Last night, I awoke to an almost 1 am text from my program that school was cancelled.  The reason for this was extensive protests that began yesterday.

The reason for this protest is the increased cost of fuel as a result in the removal of government subsidies.  The country is 3 billion dollars in the red, and had to figure out how to pay for things.  The people are not just having protests in Amman, but all over the country.  With how bad their budget is, I don't see how the government can back down.  If they do, it'll be a temporary measure to be undertaken again, hopefully after I go home.  This morning, the program director emailed an update that they essentially think that the protests will intensify.  I am no where near the protests, and while this killed my weekend plans, I will be fine where I am at.  My apartment is a steel cage.  No getting in or out if the steel doors are locked.

Still, I worry.

"The general strike is growing, with more professional groups joining."

This is from our director of our program.  It was the first thing I read this morning, and it was concerning, but I knew that my weekend had already been reduced to studying, so this didn't change a whole bunch.

I just read the next email.  This is a holiday weekend, and many students had planned travel for the Islamic new year.

"The developing situation in the country warrants the following action. These measures are taken for your safety and are non-negotiable:
1.) If you are traveling for the long weekend by air, there is currently no need to alter your plans. Air traffic is moving normally, and private transportation (by taxi) to the airport remains safe and accessible. As always, we advise you to arrange with Taxi Mumayaz, the number for which is in your handbook. BE ADVISED: you should have a contingency plan in the event that borders close and you are unable to re-enter the country.
2.) Travel by land to Palestine and Israel is now off-limits. The areas near the border crossings were the scenes of very heavy demonstrations and road closures last night. Both public and private transport to and from the border crossings is too unpredictable right now. Likewise, the border itself, which is always unpredictable, is more so now. The risk may be too great that if you try to travel, the border may close and you would be stranded. Again, travel by land to Palestine and Israel is now off-limits. Sorry.
3.) Travel within Jordan is also now off-limits. The worst of the demonstrations are going on outside the capital and the transportation situation is unpredictable. Do NOT travel outside of Amman.
Failure to adhere to these emergency measures could result in severe sanctions. Worse, should you decide to disregard these emergency policies and get into real trouble, we will be absolutely powerless to try to help you.
We will continue to update you regarding developments as the situation warrants, but this is the final word on travel."

This is a significant development, because they really don't have any say on if we travel or not. They only have a say on if they will help us.  Given the terrible PR of a justified abandonment and an issued statement saying we should of followed the rules, they would still attempt to rescue a wayward student. A lot of the program's threats on students are a lot of fluff. However, this mention of sanctions? I don't even know what that means. I just know it sounds like stronger language then they have ever used before.

I ran out of credit on my phone and did not remember to refill it yesterday. I only impulse bought a much larger internet card than I usually buy. I will be good on internet this weekend, but I need a phone, and there's not much food in my house. I walked to the corner store relatively early and saw that I was not the only one with that idea. There were many, many people there, in what appeared to be an attempt to stock up a little. It appears that the natives are a little worried too.

Yet, I'm looking out my window, and children are still playing in the street. Does this mean it's really not that bad? Or does it just mean that I live in the Shmesani bubble, where the neighborhood is pretty wealthy and so just less likely to see violence.

5 more weeks before I go home...

Love in the Middle East

Today is my anniversary, and in honor, I just had the romantic meal of Laughing Cow cheese, crackers, and orange juice.  Blah.

I avoided thinking about today for so long that class was over, it was evening, and I didn't make any plans.  If I had just planned, I could be out with a friend, but there you have the consequence of poor planning.

Yesterday, I was at my adoptive family's house.  It was the very saddest day I have ever been there.  I had initially not wanted to go over, because I feel like I have so much homework.  I have stayed on top of the memorization, but it seems like the CIEE professors thought that maybe, since we have gotten so proficent, we should double the vocab dished out.  AAH!  So now I feel like I am behind.  However, I was complimented by one of the mean girls today that I am always on top of my game.  Another person yesterday says she is so impressed that my Arabic has gotten so good.  My conjugations are always correct, and I am almost always understandable.  Both of these things make me so happy.

But I had to go to my family's house, even though I had so much homework.  Sometimes I can study there, especially if I spend the night, so this made me want to go.  I had already committed for the night that the other day, so I packed up my things and went.  When I got there, I had no sooner stepped in the door, when When sister 1 asked me if I wanted to walk first, or if I wanted to eat first.  I hadn't planned on either, but I managed to hurt my back, so I said we should go walk.  As we did, she got out of earshot of her house and made a phone call.  I did not understand the call, but she sounded upset.  Afterwards, I told her as much, and she said that I had to promise not to tell her family, but she had just broken up with her boyfriend.

She had a boyfriend?

She then proceeded to tell me about this person that she just loves, but that jerks her around emotionally, and that it's a big secret because it is not ok for Muslim women to have boyfriends.  When I say boyfriend, I don't mean the PDA that you see of people in love, walking in the park.  This is strictly on the phone, where no one could possibly see.  It is forbidden for men and women to date, so until he asks her family for marriage, he can not speak to her.  So, they've had this ongoing relationship for a year, and yesterday, he said that wanted to be done.  I didn't understand everything, since it was all in Arabic, but she deleted his phone number, and had decided it was over.  Oh, but how she cried, and cried.  And, since it was a secret, she went to her room and asked me to stay in there so she could talk to me.

Little does she know, her sister is going through much the same thing.  Different guy, and this one is already married, so she's hoping to be wife number two.  They've had a facebook relationship for 2 years.  The family knows him, but until he also asks for marriage, she also can not talk to him.

Both of these women are so dear to me, and their culture has them so emotionally isolated.  They don't feel like they can even talk to each other.  Sister 1 has one other friend, but then that's it.  She's in this agony and can not use her support network to help her through this.  She must be alone.  Sister 2 has a similar story.  Her story has not yet gone bad, but since she's been pushing the guy to make more of a commitment  I worry that this will be her struggle soon too.

There's so many things which I love about this culture.  This is not one of them.  I hate this.  These women do not deserve to be captive in a house, unable to seek relief of their pain.  It feels like in relationships, men have all the power.  The women are just on display, just part of the window shopping.

Mini vacation

I wish I could do vacations in the states for $30.  I went to Aqaba for the Eid break and it's so nice.  At least it is now that I'm here. 
I rode a bus from Amman to Aqaba.  It is a five hour drive, and was 8 JD.  The families who also rode the bus had a bunch of babies.  They took turns crying for five hours, so that was not fun at all.  Eventually we got here, though, and it was as beautiful as I remembered it.


The area is of course a private beach, away from the city of Aqaba.  Aqaba itself reminds me of a lot of Amman, however, on a much smaller scale.

God protects fools and children...

I suppose that I fall under the first category, and through an extremely fortunate sequence of events, I didn't die the other night.

Because I have not really cooked in my apartment, I have not gotten used to the gas range.  I have used them before, but the gas is inconsistant and at times the flame flickers out.  It's really pretty annoying.

While making my dinner, I turned down the heat, and went too far.  It flickered out.  I know it's irrational, but I tried to beat the flame from going out by turning it back up.  Like always, I did not beat it.  See the first half of the title of this post.

My dinner was done anyway, so I ate without a second glance at the stove.  Evidently, I had not turned it back all the way off.  That day, I had studied so much that I decided I needed to have a break.

I happened to stumble on a book on Amazon.  It was under the "things you might like" and the price was right...free 99.  It turned out to be a really good book, and I read for 5 hours.  I finished it about 2 am, and was so bummed when I saw that there was no sequel for this very sequel worthy book.  It was not until after my brush with death that I found that there is one in the works.  Maybe next time I could try not killing myself while reading it.

The second stroke of luck that night was that I could not find my last dose of sleeping medication.  I can't sleep without help; haven't been able to for years.  Usually, I take something, and then read for ten or twenty minutes until I fall asleep.  On this night, it was not where I thought it was, so between the book and the lack of medication, I didn't go to sleep like I always, always do.  What can I say?  I am a creature of habit.

The final stroke of luck was the fact that I did not take a nighttime shower.  I always take a shower before I sleep, but on this day I had made an attempt to save my hair from the horribly damaging water with this pink goop the locals use.  I had done it around lunch time, since that's much more of a process then a quick shower before bed.  There is no ready made hot water.  The water heater only flames on when there's a draw from the hot water tap.  This early shower was lucky since I was slowly turning my apartment into a bomb.

After finishing the book, I had a killer headache.  My J family all had been sick the day before, so I thought maybe I'd picked up their bug.  I left my bedroom at two am and was almost knocked over by the intense smell of gas in my kitchen.  It had leaked so slowly into my bedroom that I had not even noticed it.  I felt almost immediately better after opening the windows, and, and miraculously found my sleeping medication not five minutes later.  Between the book, the drugs, and lack of shower, I did not die.  Even the next day, after I got home from school, the apartment still faintly smelled like gas.

When I first announced I'd bought my ticket to the Middle East, my family worried that some violent circumstance from the Middle East would get me.  Sadly, I am my own worst enemy in being so accident prone.  I can't help but follow myself around, and therefore can not protect myself from myself.

It is a good thing that God has that policy on fools and children.

Eid

Until this last week, I've found nothing especially offensive about anything Islam.  Plenty of Christians are far holier than me.  Both have different dogma that are equally silly in some of their aspects.  I like that it is forbidden in Islam to try and convert.  If you want to know something, you are welcome to ask, but they really are not supposed to try and convince you, or come knock on your door and ask if you'd like to join their religion.

This week, however, is different.  They had the Eid al-Adha.  In short, the purpose of this holiday is remembrance of the story of Abraham.  Abraham took his son to a mountain, with the intention of sacrificing him to God.  At the last minute, God said he passed the test...go kill this ram instead.  The Muslim people relive this moment every yer by purchasing some animal, and then sacrificing it.  This means they restrain it in some way...and then slit it's throat.

These animals could be a goat, cow, lamb, or even a camel for some wealthy people.  The meat is supposed to be donated to the hungry.

I ended up spending most of the Eid, when not at Aqaba, and my adoptive family's house.  I did not go to see the animal sacrificed...I do not think I could stomach it.  On any of the 5 days of Eid, the sacrifice could take place.  I was told by another friend in my program that all the children were so excited to see this animal slaughtered.  They shot off blanks from guns, and overall acted like lord of the flies.  I was pretty horrified.  My adoptive family had mixed attendance.  Feda'a and Rofida, my two friends I visit the most, did not go.  Feda'a talked about how hard it was to see blood squirting everywhere.  I agreed that it sounded pretty horrifying.

Later that day, their sister and her family came to the house.

The bag they brought was half a skinless corpse.  Their were other parts, like the liver and other things I couldn't identify entirely, but it reminded me of horror movies I had seen.  Such was my horror that they chuckled and told me to go watch tv.  They said it would be yummy afterwards.  I guess they either didn't donate the meat, or only donated part of it.

When dinner came, it was cooked lamb, but the consistency was greasy, and rubbery.  I know it was cooked, but I still had the mental image and it felt like maybe it wasn't cooked after all.  This was their most holy meal, and I hid the dry heaves and tried to choke down every last bit of it.

While I was trying to keep my mind off what I was chewing, I reflected a bit on two things.

First, animals are killed all the time and we get them from the grocery store in packages.  This meat did used to walk around, just as what I was eating that day, so really, what was my problem?  I have liked meat, and I'm sure it also is terrified before it's slaughtered.  I'm not sure this inability to stomach the idea of the actual killed animal is something I can change about myself.  I expect I would be a vegetarian if I was ever to become a true farmer.  Or at least only eat eggs.

Second, I thought about serial killers.  This whole generation of kids are thrilled at the gore.  They are excited at watching the life drain out of a creature as it slowly dies.  Another friend told me they slaughtered a cow, and it took ten minutes to die, with blood spurting everywhere.  And...this is obviously not the first generation of kids to feel like this.

Torture of animals is considered one of the things serial killers like to do, as defined by western culture.  I have to wonder if the increased acceptance of violence in the ME is tied to some of the rituals they have been taught since birth.

The only thing I know for sure is I will never, ever be in the Middle East again during this holiday.  Way too awful for me.

Black Friday Arab Style

So class is officially done, and the Eid break just started.  Well sort of...technically I'm actually still at work.  I'll be here another 2 hours, anyway.

This holiday is the celebration of sacrifice.  Basically, they get some barnyard animal and slaughter it together as a family, and then donate the meat to the poor.  It's a lot gory, but the intention of the holiday is to help those who have less.  Seems like a good idea, right?

Well, imagine our overall good will that we have for Thanksgiving.  People are together as families, and we are grateful for what we have.  Then the very next day we turn into crazy people, sometimes physically assaulting each other over the best deal for gifts, all in the name of the continuation of the season of peace, and good will towards all men.

We, as Westerners, do not have the corner on this particular bit of bad behavior.

Islam demands that families buy an animal.  I don't know any farmers, so I imagine this industry is making a killing right now (ha I'm puny.).  These animals are not cheap.  If you buy a goat, then you're looking at $300 JD.  If you want a cow, then it's more like $500 JD.  Considering the average person makes $300 JD a week, this is a hefty chunk of change.  And, like everyone else in the worlds, they procrastinate, so some people either just bought the beast with money they don't really have, or are still frantically trying to make some so they can buy their critter.

So what does this mean for me?

People are mean and unhappy, much like those who have not finished their Christmas shopping.

People also are guilty of bad behavior.  This means cab drivers for me.

I have had people attempt to rip me off more in the last week than in the previous 7.  The law is...if you ride in a taxi, the meter has to run.  You can't have a broken meter, or just refuse to turn it on.   Of course, they don't really enforce many laws here when it comes to this kind of thing, so it takes FOREVER to find a cab that doesn't want to rip me off.  It usually takes me 2 JD to get me to my house from UJ.  Last night, I was quoted 3-5, and where every dime counts for me, I was getting really frustrated.  It took me half an hour to find someone.  Today, when I left earlier to go to work, it was the same crap.  It was really, really frustrating.

And why is it like this?  Well, so they can buy something to make a charitable donation.  They want to RIP ME OFF, which is, as the locals say haram (evil), so they can give to charity.

And no one here seems to have a problem with it.  My last cab here, after we finally pointed out that he needed to turn on the meter, refused to take us all the way to work, because it was not as easy to get back to where there was more business.  He basically threw us out of his car, so I did not give him a piaster (penny) more than he was owed.  He was an ass, and yelled at us.  I guess somehow it's my fault he didn't plan ahead for this particular holiday.

I want to come home.

A break!! Finally!

I only have class tomorrow, and then I get 5 days off from school and stress.  I'm so looking forward to it...

Here, the vacation days are not known until the very last minute.  For example, this break that is coming up was rumored to be 4 days up until two weeks ago.  The Islamic calendar is a lunar one, and therefore, the exact dates are not known.  They only ball park dates.  This vacation has something to do with the  holiday of sacrifice.  I've heard that they all go some place and sacrifice a lamb or cow or something.  I hear it's bloody and horrifying, and I'm going to pass.  I still like to pretend the hamburger in the grocery store never used to walk around.  If I spend too much time thinking about killing stuff, then I'm back to boarder line vegetarianism again.

This break, I will be doing a couple things.  First, I am going to Aqaba.  I'm somewhat regretting these plans, mostly, because I'm just so tired!  I really should have planned to do nothing at all so i was totally ready for school next week.  I'm only going overnight, though, so it's not that big of a deal.  After that, my J family will be back from Palestine, so I figure I'll probably just hang out with them.  I have most of all the vocabulary memorized and at the forefront of my mind, but I'll probably still plan on doing a bit of that even still.

Since I am not going to be here in the spring, I've had to plan my last semester at the U.  I only need 6 credits to graduate.  I want full funding, though, since I have all these scholarships that will go to waste, so I'm going to have a fun semester!  I am  taking 2 Arabic classes, but the other classes are easy.  One is digital photography.  Another is a yoga class.  The last one is an outdoor adventure class, where I get to repel.   This will be a really course load; easiest since I started back to school.  It also all happens over 2 days, so 3 days a week I can work.  I also can start volunteering at one of the refugee organizations.  I'm just waiting for Nov. 5th, and then I'll be officially registered.

Updated news

I just got done figuring out my spring semester.  I got another email today from CIEE saying that maybe they don't want to give me money after all.  That said, I thought that was stupid, and I'm sick of being jerked around.  I called my husband, and he said he really didn't feel like he could do another semester.  Even if I wasn't having problems with funding...I don't care.  I still am going to come home.  The husband has been a saint.  It's only worth it so long as he's able to get by with some peace.  After all, the language is important to me, but doesn't even hold a candle to the importance of the husband.  So...I'm going home and not coming back in 2012.

The silver lining is that I only need 6 credits to graduate, and wouldn't you know it, they are only offered in a schedule that makes me go to school one class a day, every day.  Since I have to be there anyway, I thought I'd get started on some of my business classes for my MBA.  I am not getting a business degree for my undergrad, so there is a huge list of classes I have to take this summer to be able to start the MBA in the fall.  It's considered graduate level classes, and are priced accordingly.  So, this wipes out 6 of the 13.5 credits I have to complete.  The other half...well I'm thinking I'll just pay for them from the community college.  It would be tons cheaper, but require out of pocket payment.  Hopefully, if we are very careful, we can make that work. Otherwise, we'll be paying thousands for $700 worth of community college classes.

In other news, it's Friday.  So the usual protests are scheduled today.  I got an email saying that they are planning to burn a US flag, which I find only mildly irritating.  Remember when you were in elementary school, and they called you names to get you riled up?  That's what this is, and I refused to get worked up over a piece of fabric.  The symbolism does not die simply because some people decided to set it on fire.  Plus, they are doing it in response to the statement released by the white house which says they only recently have deployed troops to help with Syria.  That's just a great big fat lie.  They've been here a long time.  So, I can understand the essential spitting in the US face.  I don't like a liar either.

College kids reloaded

I've written most of my Biblical Jordan post, but I'm still working on pictures.

In the meantime...

Feel free to post opinions here.  I am considering, for the spring semester, having a room mate.  The pros of this option is that if I allow it, then I will have someone else around to rattle around with me.  I worry that the homesickness, after I've had a month of being at home, will be brutal.  I'm already dreading it.  Nothing will be new.  There will be no honeymoon period.  I'll just be here in this country and want to be home really bad.  If I'm not rattling around here alone, then I won't have an opportunity to have that happen nearly as frequently.  This would be huge, because I went through some really awful times here.  Sometimes, it was truly horrible.

The cons are as follows:

I am too damn helpful.  As a result, I've become the program mom, and people always want something, and are horrible about returning the favor.  For example, I've had a roller coaster week.  For no reason, I'd be depressed or upset for no reason at all.  I feel like I've boarded the crazy train, and it's been rough.  I'd already helped out a friend a bunch with her similar problem previously, and she offered to come watch movies with me, and return the favor.  Well, it turned out to not be convenient, so she did not show up.  I still watched movies and had pizza to myself...but I was reminded why I am so sick of this age group.  The selfishness annoys me terribly, and my quickness to be the first giver always bites me in the behind.  I think it would get really old if I had that kind of dynamic, and I could not escape to my own space.

The other choice I'm trying to make is whether or not I should change programs.  Currently, I am in the language and culture program.  I'm thinking about switching to the Intensive Language.  This will make the total of my classes be in Arabic; zero English.

Pros:  Will get much further along in my Arabic.  I have to take a language pledge so everything is in Arabic, 24 hours a day. I should come home fluent.

Cons:  no internship.  I will have to only put this one internship on my resume, which makes me nervous.  I really need to get a decent job next fall and start making some money.

So...that's it!

Wedding Day

Yesterday, I went to a Muslim wedding.  I have known about it for over a month, and yesterday was one of those emotional roller coaster days.  I did not feel like going at all.  Lucky for me, my sister from the J family insisted I go, and would not let me off the phone until I renegged on my cancellation.  So...I went.

When I got to the J Family's house, Grandma T was in agony.  She had back surgery ten years ago, and she did not ever walk again after that.  She lays in bed all day, and has severe sciatica.  Additionally, she also has this bizarre bloating on the side of her body, and I don't know what that's about, but it hurts.  So, when I got there, it was not pretty.  Grandma T's daughters asked if I could give a shot.  Well, it's just in the hip, so of course I can.  They went to the pharmacy to get some type of medication, and I tried to eat.  It was really difficult to do so though, while I listened to this sweetest of old women whimper in the other room.  When she's in that much pain, I can't do anything for her.  Touching her just makes it worse.

When the drugs arrived, their maid and I got her ready.  She was crying she hurt so bad, and I tried to get the other sisters to watch so they could see how easy it was.  They wouldn't!  They said they were too afraid of the needle, and I just wanted to shake them and tell them to get over it...their mother was in too much pain for them to be babies about this.  But, they insisted they could call someone from the hospital if I was not there.  Thank god they have money...if they were poor, poor Grandma T would probably just suffer.

A little bit later, she was in far less pain, and we started getting ready to go to the wedding.

They are very different from what I'm used to.  Weddings in Utah are boring.  They do not have dancing and are very formal.  This was the opposite.

So first off...they have a line...but the bride is not part of it.  It's just a line of her bridesmaids.   It is a very short experience, so they don't just stand around all day.  They had tables with center pieces everywhere, and since this family wanted me to have the most educational experience possible, they passed me around a million cousins.  Eventually, I sat, and they started a slide show of the bride and groom, and their individual childhoods.  Then there were pictures of their engagement.  Shortly after that, the bride and groom entered.  It was a wedding march, but of course much grander then I am used to with great big timpani booms.

I was surprised to see all the women who were wearing barely nothing.  Then my J sister pointed out that there was not one man in the room.  I am not too observant, I suppose, so that explained the scantily clad women.  There was even a big pregnant woman who was showing tons of skin.  They also, evidently, are by marriage, the groom's sisters.  So, he can see all the nakedness too.

This party got going after that.  I might be a little deafer today then I was yesterday; the music was really, really loud.  All the dancing was fun too.  The bride was truly so in love with her her new husband.  They were adorable.  They had the cake cutting, but instead of doing it with a knife, they do it with a giant sword.  They also have a first dance, but they have fireworks on the floor.  I don't think I've ever seen that indoors before.  Seems like a bad idea!

At the end of the night, the bride and groom left.  They had done the man version of the party before this party, and so now they could go... consummate, I'm told.  The bride, who's hair was done up beautifully in a tiara and curls, was then fitted with what looked like a flour sack over her head.  I was really confused at this, and asked why this happened.  My J sister said that there might be men outside this room, and no one gets to see the bride like this who is not family, and sporting a y chromosome.  I suggested maybe they could cut out eye holes so she could see, but considering that this is not the first wedding, I suppose there is some reason why this is not done.

We then had an interesting conversation about how picking a mate in Islam works.  First, there is no dating.  She told me it was like having a desert tray out on the street.  If it's not all covered up, then it's got flies landing on it, and is too gross to want anything to do with.  Instead, you can look, but not have any contact.  Then, if you like what you see as a man who is window shopping, then you go with your family to the girl's family, and ask to get married.  If they approve, then you're engaged, and now you get to talk.  People don't get un-engaged, though.  Using the dessert analogy, what if that caramel truffle turns out to be kind of nasty...now you're stuck with it!

It was a touchy subject.  Even though this J family sister is very childlike in how she acts, she is older than me by at least 5 years.  She is old enough that she may never marry, and talking about this, you could see how much she really wishes she was.  The other sister is also unmarried.  Their father passed away a long time ago, and I wonder if this is why they've not married.  He obviously can not give permission.  I can not ask; with how much it is so desired, I think it would make them feel sad.  They are the sweetest women...I wish they could have anything that they wanted.

Roller coaster....

Have had that song bouncing around in my head all morning.  The day before yesterday, I woke up to the email that there was no more money, and I should look into other scholarships.  Of course, I can not do this, since I've already covered all my bases, and there's nothing left to apply for.  I planned on not coming back, so I did my best to make peace with that.

This morning, I woke up and called my husband.  No one was home, and today he brought my kids to work, so I was not going to get to Skype anyone.  When I called, the first thing out of his mouth was did I check my email.  He'd been in my email, and said there was something about possible funds to keep me here.  So, I saw the email, and maybe I will stay after all.  It won't cover all my shortage of funds, and I don't know exactly how much it will cover.  But, now the question mark is back in my head.

I'm so frustrated.  I had made peace with going home, and had a back up plan to ensure I continued to work on language.  I knew it would not be as good as just staying here, but I was happy with the fact I could go home and be with my family.

Now that I might be able to stay, I'm so depressed!  It would be completely irresponsible of me to not come back if I can.  I would likely move to the J family's house, and would really come back with some decent proficiency.

The up and down emotion, as well as the somewhat sudden change in the seasons here has gotten me in that place where I constantly feel like I'm about to get a migraine.  I'm trying to fight it off with plenty of sleep, and my husband's suggestion of meditation, but it's really difficult to concentrate, let alone fight off what is always a big problem for me every spring and fall.  It's gotten cold enough that I am going to have to either ask my landlord for another blanket, or how to turn on my furnace.  I'd rather sleep in a cold room with an additional blanket than turn on the heat, so hopefully I'll be able to get the blanket option.

Discouraging

I was in a cab today, and this man spoke decent English.  Whenever people ask me where I'm from, I always say Canada.  No one hates Canada, so while I haven't run into a problem with being American, I also don't want to.  He proceeded to tell me that he lived EIGHT YEARS in Pennsylvania.  Eight years is a really long time to speak as poor of English as he did.  He worked in customer service, too, both at the airport, and then working at a gas station.

It is really discouraging to be where I'm at, with, actually, not even a year and a half of actual real language study, and I feel like it will be so long before I am a good speaker.  Reality checks may at time be necessary, but they are NOT fun.  I've been really tired all day, so I know that I am not on top of my game for my classes.  I have so much on my plate, and I have to keep reminding myself to very carefully budget my time.  I am NOT here for political science classes, and am only sort of here for an internship.  These things I can get at home.  I am here to speak Arabic, and I keep getting too wrapped up in the wrong things.  This leaves me lacking sometimes with my Arabic.  It is really frustrating.

To further frustrate me, my internship is not going great today.  So far, I have accomplished more in the time I've been here then the other employees have in the last six months.  They just don't do anything, and I was told when I got here that they have a reputation for this kind of thing.  My supervisor told me I should carefully make friends with them, and then "impress upon them my American work ethic."  I don't know exactly how to do that without trying to lead by example.  I just met these people, so I can't just tell them that they are doing everything wrong, or they are screwing off far to much of the time.  So, I've gotten a ton done, and I was told today that I need to have the girl I work with submit these projects I've completed.  This means that I do all the work, get none of the credit...and if she does what she always does and screws around and just doesn't forward the email, then I get in trouble.  I am so frustrated, and so today, they don't have anything for me to do.  I decided to not even try to find something to do and just study.  My supervisor was supposed to meet with us, and then she decided she wanted to go home.  So, I'll get my hours in, but I'm just going to sit by myself here and study.  I am not in the mood to try an coax Hebah to do her job, or even to do her job for her, and then coax her to take the credit.  I'm really, really done with this place today.

Freedom of Religion

Religion...al deen...is interestingly open here.  I was noticing this little bit of irony today, when I walked into the CIEE office.  The call to prayer has become background noise I do not notice unless it's night and I'm in my quiet apartment, or over at the J Family's house and it interrupts a conversation.  However, it was about the right time, and as I walked to the door, there stood a man in his socks, standing on his prayer rug, facing a wall, which I assume pointed to Mecca.  He was alone, and while surely there were many other Muslims in the building, but only he chose to be pious on this floor.  No one paid him much mind, and he paid us non-praying people no mind either.  Everyone just went about their business.

I think it's interesting that in our "freedom of religion," we have it so viciously ripped out of schools and other places.  I'm not religious in that way; I don't want there to be required prayers in school, and I really don't think that God is personally offended if the pledge does not say, "in God we trust."  However, I also feel like it's tradition, not religion, that might have kept God in the pledge.  Educators have to be so extremely careful, should a student WANT to pray for some reason, to be sure that it can in no way be tied to them, often fearing that even those best intentions will still result in a problem.  And I think that freedom of religion is not necessarily freedom FROM religion, unless that is the path you choose to take.  Who is the atheist to dictate where the believer of any faith can, and can not pray?

In Jordan, pray, don't pray; it's up to you.

In America, don't pray, or do it where I don't have to look at it.

Considering the attitude of much of the Western world that the ME is an overly zealous and religious place, it is ironic that America actually IS the over zealous anti-religious place, rather than the freedom of religion.

Not once have I been preached to, or have people tried to save my soul within Islam.  I wish other religions would allow me the freedom to ask if I want to know, rather then forcibly saving my soul.

Bugs

The middle east is really serious about it's bugs here.  I suppose the motto "go big or go home" applies to this country.  Yesterday, I was walking to grab a cab, and I saw a wasp, as thick as a bumble bee, but perhaps twice the size.  Then I saw his blue brother.

A few weeks ago, I got to meet my biggest fear...the camel spider.  People swore up and down that there was no such thing here, and those only live in Afghanistan   In fact, when I was in Wadi Rum, in the tents, I was talking to my room mate, and suddenly got quiet.  She asked me what was wrong.  I said, "Do you want me to tell you now?  Or wait until morning?"  She couldn't resist, and so i pointed out that our door was a flap of burlap laid across the opening, and was not even the same size.  You could see an opening, and I wondered if I'd wake up covered in camel spiders.  She was quiet, and then suggested she had not chosen wisely.

When I got to see my camel spider, it was not nearly as horrifying as my fear of waking up covered in them, but was still not pleasant.   I was walking up the stairs to the language center, and it was hanging from the under lip of the stairs.  It was probably 1/4 as big as my foot.  From a distance, it was interesting, but I suspect up close, it would definitely cease to be interesting, and progress into full blown horror.  I hate spiders, but only if they are withing a foot of me.  Outside of that they can be interesting, and remain unsquished.  This is, of course, provided they respect the Treaty of the Door, where if they come in my house all bets are off and I declare a war to protect the sovereignty of my home.  Here, that extends to my balcony.  And only applies to overgrown spiders.  Probably could handle small spiders.

Vacations...!

If only vacations were so cheap in Utah.

So the Eid break is coming up in 2 weeks, and it is about 2 weeks too far away.  Once again, I'm feeling back to a lot homesick, and I'd really like to come home.  Since that is not an option, and I'm not even half way through this little adventure, I started planning my break.

Many students are going out of the country.  Some are going to Egypt, Turkey, or other places.  That would be fun, but outside my current budget.  I am young...those places will still be there later.

Instead, it looks like I'm going to Aqaba for snorkeling again, and then on the way back, I am stopping at a crusade castle.  I'm pretty excited about both prospects, and I'm going with a couple other students in a small group.

It should be fun, and it will be a grand total of $34 JD.  With my skimpy daily budget, I think I can swing this and maybe still have some extra by the end of the month.

Anyway, wish you all were here.

Thinking about deleting my facebook account

Facebook sucks.  I know, I know.  You can either use the tool, or be the tool, as the saying goes.  But really, it does suck.  Sometimes, back home, I'd read about things, and kind of realize that on Facebook, we tend to not be real people.  Instead of real people, we are like...quarter people.  I'd read just enough to know what was going on in people's lives...although most of the time, I'd read enough to know I really don't have any idea what's going on in people's lives.  And, really, if they were not inclined to just pick up the phone and tell me about it when I was only sitting a few miles away, then really, it's kind of this perverted peeping tom thing of being the anonymous observer of what people put up on their walls.  I'd come to the conclusion that I knew some things, but only little pieces of the "somethings," and this does not constitute a relationship   I know, I'm really slow to come to this realization, but a relationship held completely on Facebook  is not a relationship, especially when people are within an hour's driving distance away.

People also tend to be a little part exhibitionist as well on Facebook   There are things I do not want to know with the rest of the world.  There are personal things which, if shared in a confidential conversation, might be acceptable as information, and I'd listen with empathy.  Information shared as one of the members of the universe, however, makes me feel...well... embarrassed to know.  And then, information not shared at all because it is not public, but then I find out about later...well then I'm really not that kind of friend and should not have been reading about all the precursors to whatever dramatic information is out there!!

Lastly, people don't realize you can't keep secrets on Facebook   They may post half truths, and omit other parts, and then feel confident that no one else knows the motivation of the initial statement.  It simply is not true.  If you know any little bit of the truth, and read a "vague" post, then for sure, you know what's going on.  That's stupid!  What are we, grade school kids?  Maybe passive aggressive junkies?

Now, of course, I live half way around the world.  I'm questioning whether I really want Facebook anymore. I talk to my parents pretty regular, but they don't have Facebook.  We seem to manage fine by talking via Skype or email.  And, it's nice to know they didn't just stumble onto a post and decide to respond.  They actively took an interest and then sent an email, or messaged me on Skype.  I talk to my brother pretty regular too, although he hardly ever posts to Facebook.  He has helped out with my family back home, and eased my homesickness by being my friend, chatting online.  I just love that guy and his wife.  Another cousin makes a point of chatting with me online pretty frequently too.  And...this is not because of a Facebook post.  It just happens.  When I was home, we'd text back and forth a few times a week on a normal basis.  No Facebook necessary.

I don't use it to speak much to people I once was close to.  Recently, since my sleep schedule is different then people back home, I've started to get more emails from friends back home who really want to talk to me.  So far, while I've been here, I've really only used it to point out I have a new blog, maybe post some incidental mentioning, and have a heart wrenching argument.  So, what is the point?

If I really think about it, I think Facebook's real function is to make our disconnected society feel more connected, but does so in such a complicated way that it is simply not worth it.

I've been told that a study abroad will change me.  I have to agree at this point.  I've been living the last 5 weeks in a country where family and close friends really means family.  Where cousins, siblings,  aunts...everyone...talks to each other and is very close.  Comparatively speaking, Americans are very separate as a culture, and we don't make the every day efforts to say hello and be with each other because we simply enjoy the company.  Am I going to come home and expect Utah to transform into Jordan?  No, of course not.  But I will miss the desire, rather than the obligation, to want to spend time with those you hold most dear to your heart. Here, if I've not talked to someone for a couple of days, I get a phone call to say how much I'm missed, would you please come over?  I think that Facebook ends up being a substitute for these kinds of interactions.  People can feel like they interacted with you because they clicked "like" on your post, or made a comment on a picture.  That is not a relationship, no more than sitting next to someone at work and exchanging chit chat once in awhile is much of a relationship.

If I were to pin down a single thing that has changed me most by being here, it's my definition of a relationship.  I think a relationship is defined by two peoples desire to interact on a personal level on a regular basis.  I think without that, you really don't have a relationship, and rather you have an acquaintanceship.  I just don't know that I want to be a voyeur to all my acquaintances I know on Facebook.

Maybe I've grown out of Facebook.

Maybe instead of letting the tool use me, I should be using the tool.  It's good for networking, and I am going to want a job a year from now.  I just guess at that time, I'll need to still have a Facebook   Maybe, though, now, I need to quit going to the website and break this stupid habit.