But I'm not. I had felt like I had pretty much wrapped up this experience, and was just passing this last 16 days until I stepped onto a plane. But, this was not to be.
Yesterday, I was at work, with the normal work load. Translate that to mean that my boss had yet again chosen not to give me anything to do, so I was working on homework. I got a call from Feda'a, who was the one who previously had the bad break up from her forbidden phone boyfriend. They had decided to work it out, and she was back to somewhat happy...until yesterday. She called me, and I don't even know what she said. Her sobs were so completely breaking up what she was trying to tell me that all I could understand was come to her house as soon as I finished work. Knowing this was going to be a rough night, I stopped at my apartment, but did come straight to her house.
She cried all night. Her family thought she just had a horrible headache, and it was causing all the tears. A bunch of family came to visit, and they did so in her bedroom, presumably, because she was too sick. Their conversation, in retrospect, was super loud like always, which if there really was a headache, then would have been agony. But since she is broken for different reasons, the conversation was fine.
People did not act like her behavior was unusual. Occasionally, she'd burst out in tears, and people would go quiet while she cried, but then resume their conversation when she pulled herself together. Eventually they left, and, when we were alone, she told me that she had chosen to break up with her boyfriend, because there was no future there, and she was tired of him jerking her around. I was proud of her, but this quickly faded while she explained to me that I would go home, and I would have a husband and children while she is left here, with nothing. She said that this boy, way too much her junior, was her whole life, and she was convinced that she was better off dead. This was so sad, and I'll be the first one to say I'm terrible with people. I tried to be comforting, but I was unsuccessful, seeing as how I had people to go home to.
Eventually, I went to bed, and I heard her get up a few times through the night. I woke up at 5, and thought I'd message Mike and see how things were. He quickly told me that my friend had died in the night, and immediately I was so heart broken. This woman had been a bridesmaid, and a big sister to me. She had been patient and kind to me. A few years ago, she had been diagnosed with a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer. She then had a mastectomy and has been through 2 rounds of chemotherapy. We thought it was gone, and she had happily decided that she liked her new figure, and had went back to life. This spring, however, she was taken to the ER because she was having a hard time breathing. It appeared that cancer was back. When I had found out, I had this horrible feeling that this would be the time. For the last 8 months, she had underwent treatment, but it had spread to all of her major organs. I spoke to her husband this morning. He said he'd been feeding her peaches in the morning, and now she was gone. He was numb, and in traditional army style, would not show the smallest amount of weakness. He quickly displaced the conversation and asked how I was doing, making jokes and such on the way. Towards the end of the conversation, he started to break down some, and decided he needed to go. Thank God for Skype.
So she is gone. It is surreal to think about. School has been so intense, that I have not had much of an opportunity to make it two counties north to say hello. I feel like there is only so much of me to go around, and had kind of come to peace with the fact that I don't get to have non-school friends until I finish my degree. I can't do that and have family stuff, and still get into grad school. Now that she's gone, I'm full of regret. I should have made the time. I should have went up there, but I didn't. And, now it's too late.
One of my worst fears was that someone would die while I was gone. I would not be able to go to the funeral for that closure, and feel like I could grieve how I would expect. Many years ago, I had a dear friend die, and I did not go to the funeral. I couldn't believe she was dead, and so I didn't go. It is as delusional as it sounds, and to this day, I just do not have the same closure.
This time, I can't go to the funeral because I'm stuck here, and the funeral obviously not going to be something that occurs in 2 and a half weeks. This funeral I will miss, and I will likely have a tough time processing this as well.
Last year my cousin died. I got violently sick and missed that funeral too. I had, however, helped with it before hand, so I felt better about it. The year before that, my husband's mother died.
I know that as you age, the likelihood of people you know dying increases. It seems really fast, however, at this point. I don't understand how it has started so early. One death a year for 3 years now. It's no good.
Yesterday, I was at work, with the normal work load. Translate that to mean that my boss had yet again chosen not to give me anything to do, so I was working on homework. I got a call from Feda'a, who was the one who previously had the bad break up from her forbidden phone boyfriend. They had decided to work it out, and she was back to somewhat happy...until yesterday. She called me, and I don't even know what she said. Her sobs were so completely breaking up what she was trying to tell me that all I could understand was come to her house as soon as I finished work. Knowing this was going to be a rough night, I stopped at my apartment, but did come straight to her house.
She cried all night. Her family thought she just had a horrible headache, and it was causing all the tears. A bunch of family came to visit, and they did so in her bedroom, presumably, because she was too sick. Their conversation, in retrospect, was super loud like always, which if there really was a headache, then would have been agony. But since she is broken for different reasons, the conversation was fine.
People did not act like her behavior was unusual. Occasionally, she'd burst out in tears, and people would go quiet while she cried, but then resume their conversation when she pulled herself together. Eventually they left, and, when we were alone, she told me that she had chosen to break up with her boyfriend, because there was no future there, and she was tired of him jerking her around. I was proud of her, but this quickly faded while she explained to me that I would go home, and I would have a husband and children while she is left here, with nothing. She said that this boy, way too much her junior, was her whole life, and she was convinced that she was better off dead. This was so sad, and I'll be the first one to say I'm terrible with people. I tried to be comforting, but I was unsuccessful, seeing as how I had people to go home to.
Eventually, I went to bed, and I heard her get up a few times through the night. I woke up at 5, and thought I'd message Mike and see how things were. He quickly told me that my friend had died in the night, and immediately I was so heart broken. This woman had been a bridesmaid, and a big sister to me. She had been patient and kind to me. A few years ago, she had been diagnosed with a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer. She then had a mastectomy and has been through 2 rounds of chemotherapy. We thought it was gone, and she had happily decided that she liked her new figure, and had went back to life. This spring, however, she was taken to the ER because she was having a hard time breathing. It appeared that cancer was back. When I had found out, I had this horrible feeling that this would be the time. For the last 8 months, she had underwent treatment, but it had spread to all of her major organs. I spoke to her husband this morning. He said he'd been feeding her peaches in the morning, and now she was gone. He was numb, and in traditional army style, would not show the smallest amount of weakness. He quickly displaced the conversation and asked how I was doing, making jokes and such on the way. Towards the end of the conversation, he started to break down some, and decided he needed to go. Thank God for Skype.
So she is gone. It is surreal to think about. School has been so intense, that I have not had much of an opportunity to make it two counties north to say hello. I feel like there is only so much of me to go around, and had kind of come to peace with the fact that I don't get to have non-school friends until I finish my degree. I can't do that and have family stuff, and still get into grad school. Now that she's gone, I'm full of regret. I should have made the time. I should have went up there, but I didn't. And, now it's too late.
One of my worst fears was that someone would die while I was gone. I would not be able to go to the funeral for that closure, and feel like I could grieve how I would expect. Many years ago, I had a dear friend die, and I did not go to the funeral. I couldn't believe she was dead, and so I didn't go. It is as delusional as it sounds, and to this day, I just do not have the same closure.
This time, I can't go to the funeral because I'm stuck here, and the funeral obviously not going to be something that occurs in 2 and a half weeks. This funeral I will miss, and I will likely have a tough time processing this as well.
Last year my cousin died. I got violently sick and missed that funeral too. I had, however, helped with it before hand, so I felt better about it. The year before that, my husband's mother died.
I know that as you age, the likelihood of people you know dying increases. It seems really fast, however, at this point. I don't understand how it has started so early. One death a year for 3 years now. It's no good.
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