Self reflection...again!

When you spend a couple days at a time studying in your apartment, with no one else around, you do a lot of self reflection.  I mean a ton...anything to get out of doing homework, right?

So, I've been thinking about the relationships I've been disappointed in since I've been here. I've decided that a lot of those disappointments are really my own fault.  I was thinking about it, and my pattern of relationships is that I meet this awesome new person, or I decide to make a new effort with an old relationship.  Everyone has needs, and I hear about these needs, and instantly, I'm their new best friend...I'm helpful, and a shoulder to lean on, and no one even has to ask.  I give of myself freely, and I think I'm this selfless person.  Then, when I need something a few months down the road, perhaps emotional support or whatever, I am let down, and so resentful.  I'm so upset that this person would just behave like I don't matter.

But really I'm not selfless.  It was quite the opposite really.

I realized this morning that I don't give freely.  I give and give, but with the expectation that I will be able to count on them in the future.  But I wait so, so long before I ever ask for something that my actions say something totally different.  I set up this pattern where my actions say "I want to give and you don't ever have to give anything back.  I'll just keep dishing it out."  This will go on for months, and I feel happy, and fulfilled because I think I'm having these deep and meaningful friendships.  Really, though, when the time comes that I need some support, my actions have just made me a big fat liar.  Now my actions say, "hang on...turns out you need to give too, and you've racked up quite the bill, so you better make it right."  When people don't respond how I feel they should, then I'm resentful, and angry, and I feel so hurt.

This insight felt like a piano being dropped on my head.  Ew, I am this ugly person who is not giving at all.  I really don't like the realization that I keep score.

So...what did we learn here.

First, better boundaries.  I read today about someone looking at the difference between giving and being generous (while not studying for a final, I might add).  Giving suggests that there's a shortage of something, and I'll go without so you can have.  Generosity suggests that I have enough, and here's some extra I have and I'll give it to you.  I kind of like this difference, and it has made me kind of adjust my train of thinking.   I don't need to volunteer to help out every time someone is a little uncomfortable.  I don't usually even wait to be asked...I just do it.  So maybe I need to wait.  There is nothing wrong with helping out when asked.  But when not asked, you can't keep score if no one asked you to the party in the first place.  So, I'm not going to do that anymore.

Second, maybe cut other people some slack.  I don't know what this really means, since I don't feel like I can say, by the way...I'm not going to volunteer to give anymore without sounding like a horribly angry person.  I also can't say to people that are takers that they now have to reverse this dynamic, and things need to be fair.  The world just doesn't work where that kind of honesty would be appreciated.  But maybe, I should not be so resentful for setting up the rules, and then being angry when people follow them.

And third, find other givers.  Opposites attract, and one of the big problems with being a score keeping giver is that you attract takers who only stick around until it's time to give back and then they are gone.    I would feel guilty if I did that, so maybe I need to find other givers, so there can be balance.  I need to make better relationship choices, and not expect people to be who they are not.

Fourth...maybe I could stop holding grudges.  I'm not sure how to fix this about myself, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do it.

Lastly, I need to be ok with asking for things for myself, without feeling guilty.  For example, when Feda'a asks me to come over, I need to not feel guilty because I have homework and can't.  Worse, I need to not just go anyway because her life sucks and I don't want to make it worse.  I have needs too, and because I am terrible at respecting those needs, I don't see how anyone else would respect them either.  Feda'a is responsible for her happiness; not me.  I can be a positive point in her life, but ultimately her happiness is not my job.  Nothing I can ever do will make her happy, especially when she is so unwilling to try and improve her life herself.

I am who I am.  I am rough around the edges, and like everyone else, I am a work in progress.  I just need to keep on working.