11 days...?!?!

I'm not sure how this happened, but somehow, I went from fall semester and a year before I leave my family, to eleven days. We went from abstract idea to really fricking real in what seems like overnight.


Since I am not a traditional student, many have assumed this would be an impossible goal...mothers don't leave their children, and if they do, it certainly isn't for more than a few weeks unless they are made to. A good mother would never CHOOSE to walk away from her children. What kind of mother does that? And if you did leave, how in god's name would you pay for it? Study abroad, even to a country where their currency is worth less than the dollar, is really expensive. Sadly, that is not the case in many countries as the value of the dollar continues to fall. Jordan is no exception, and it's doubly expensive. How is this possible? 


Well, let's answer that first question...my kids will be without me physically for some time, but thank you Vice-President Gore for that little internet invention. Skype and Google talk, as well as my big brother cameras in my house will keep me connected to what is going on in their lives, and let me parent some from around the globe. Additionally, I am not a single parent. I lucked out and married a saint, and so they do have their dad as well. We have extended family to also help fill that gap. I have invited a friend to live rent free in my house, in exchange for an adult body here to ensure the kids don't burn the house down. My leaving, for my kids, will be difficult now, but will reward them in the long run. I am not forced to leave for the noble cause of fighting for my country. Instead, I am leaving for the noble cause of providing a far better life for my children and my grand children down the road. I am leaving because language is what I'm good at and this is the way to master it. This tool will give them what I want for them.

But God it's hard.

 I've read Facebook posts of my classmates talking only about their excitement for this new adventure, without the heartache of leaving behind an entire identity. They start out this journey as young kids, discovering life as students. That, this early in their lives, is the sum general total of who they are. Sure, they'll miss their family, but they have not built a life of responsibilities that they are aching over leaving. I wish I'd been smart like them. I have a cousin who's child sagely, and with not just a little accusation, inform her mother she'd never do school after she had kids. Good girl. Hope you follow through, because this is so hard.

So, while I have gotten almost all of my main preparations ready to go, I will never be ready to happily hop on a plane. The weepy gloom that descended on my house within the last month reminds me daily that I am leaving the biggest part of me behind, and I'm hoping it will be the same when I get back. I am going to miss these people so much that this is the main, overwhelming challenge of my study abroad. The studying, and the unfamiliarity of language and culture is child's play compared to the agony of leaving my heart in Utah. 


The other part of this frightening equation is finances. I have a good GPA, and am tenacious woman, and am good writer. These things have combined to give me considerable scholarship money. Other than needing to eat, everything is paid for. My husband will still be responsible for all things here, and from a commission only standpoint, that is a considerable bit of pressure. This, compounded with his heart leaving to the Middle East, makes him under quite a bit of stress. What kind of a man does this? I saint I say. How did I get so lucky?


 So, as I start packing this week, know that we have both said countless times in the last few weeks how much I wish I was not going. I wish there was any other way in the world to get the education I need. But since there is not, I'll just pack it up in a box and stick it on a shelf in the back of my head. I have heard more how brave I am over the last two weeks than I have my entire life. I don't know if I'm brave or not. I don't feel brave. I feel like a frightened little girl that is going out into the big bad world completely alone. I've never done this before. I just hope that the universe continues to set up just the right circumstances to make this possible without any more pain than necessary. I hope I can keep my mind above the misery, and appreciate this new people that I already have grown to love by the few who live here among us, and remember that this is an adventure.