Emotional expenses of study abroad - part 1

Some of the college kids in my program are posting on our Facebook page about how they are counting down the days, or have already left to do some site seeing before the beginning of class.  They are saying happy good-byes and are eagerly awaiting the future, contemplating additional travel to places such as Syria,
Afghanistan, and Iraq.

Ah, to be young.

It's not like that for the non-traditional student.

I think as single parent, study abroad is pretty obviously out as an option.  However, even as a married person, or a married person with children, it's most likely also out.  Why?

There are far greater expenses than just what applies to our every depreciating dollar bill.

Before committing to a study abroad program, one huge question is, "can your marriage live through it?"  It's really easy to be sure that this is going to be the least of your problems.  Most married people are confident that they love their partner, and are committed for life, and so geographical location is only relevant in the comfortable sense.  Before undertaking this, the marriage really has to be evaluated.  It will be incredibly difficult for you, but also for your partner, especially if there are children involved.

We made ourselves a list of things which were going to impact my husband.  He gets to have all the financial responsibilities without any of the acquired benefit of my institutional experience.  With a 65% divorce rate these days, it makes logical sense that it is less than a 50/50 chance that we will beat the odds and he'll reap the rewards of my improved employment situation, and yet is willing to go though this year long struggle anyway.  For this reason, he's dubbed Senior Saint.

On the list of Senior Saint's responsibilities is 100% child rearing responsibilities.  Most families have a dynamic where dad has a smaller roll in the rearing of children.  In our case, he has been the bread winner for the majority of our marriage, and I have been the primary care giver.  For the past almost 14 years, I have known what the homework status is for each kid, every day, shared countless emails with teachers, known who was responsible for what chore on what days, and how to mitigate the too frequent fights which a houseful of boys can create.  Additionally, I physically pay all the bills, knowing what they are, when they are due, what the account numbers, username and passwords are, and still have found time to study and get the kind of grades that result in scholarships.  Each of our kids has had a date with mom once a month for one one one time, and I ensure that each of the kids, once a week, has a date with dad to get extra time with him since he works.

And now I'll stop.  The end.  Gone.

Senior Saint now has to be someone else; or rather he has to become two someones.  We'll cover the impact on the kids next time, but today, the spouse is the issue.

From the other gender point of view, I have to imagine if Senior Saint was the one leaving and I was left behind.  I have never been good at making money.  I'm not sure how we'd eat.  That is the hugest responsibility.  All the love in the world does not make for a full tummy.  I'm not sure how I'd do that.  And, I don't know how I'd find time to be mom, if I was so busy being dad.  Single parents amaze me -- I don't know how they do what they do.

This all being the case, our solution is to get another adult in the home.  Our situation may not work for everyone, but we have a close friend who will come live here and help out with the kids.  This will allow for a reduction of single parent status for Senior Saint.  However, I don't think that it will be enough to be able to say this will suddenly be a cake walk.

The biggest lesson here is to remember that Senior Saint can not be me, even if I left him detailed explanations of what should be done when and how to stay on top of it all.  It took me 14 years to master motherhood, which is really another word for professional level multitasking.  I can do so much because I've had a lot of practice.  A year is enough time for Senior Saint to achieve a good rhythm, but by the time things get smooth, I'll already be back, and I'd rather just step back into that role of motherhood, thank you very much.

The lesson?  Leave room for mistakes and screw ups.  It's OK if things don't work out just how I'd like them, and keep in mind, your spouse is going to be going through his own emotional depression and stress as a result of your absence.  Make room for that, and still try to do what you can to make it easier on him.

Proactively, something I've already gotten in place.

In our family, all the kids have a computer, so I have already set up the chore rotation on Google calendar so there is never any question of what chore is assigned to who and when.  I have shared this calendar with all the kids and adults, so it makes life easier.  I have added Senior Saint's schedule as well, so the kids know when they can even ask to do additional activities, such as going to a friend's house.  Our friend is coming to live rent free, with the understanding that he will be here 3 of the 5 work days, and Saturday through the afternoon.  This relieves Senior Saint of worrying about kids burning the house down around their ears, and allows for more opportunities for those kids to be able to do what they want to do with friends.  Communication through everyone,  including for the purposes of parent teacher conferences, can be facilitated with Skype and Google talk.  So, even from 5500 miles away, I can help parent, and Senior Saint is not completely alone.

After all, marriage is a partnership, and it's my responsibility too to work with him, and not leave him to be alone.  I think we call that divorce, not study abroad.  I can chase my future, while still l still live my dream.