Taming the Lonely Beast

As much as I love Jordan, and how incredibly busy my days are, I miss home.  As long as I am busy, I don’t even really spend any time thinking about home, and I feel pretty good.  But, living alone means that I also am having opportunities to think and miss my family.

So what to do?  I can’t wallow…defeats the expensive purpose of being out here.  I can’t let the monster chew me up and spit me out.  But at night, it can be almost crippling.  I can’t call my babies before I sleep.  I can only talk to them in the morning so long as I’m up by six.  That is their bedtime, and I can’t talk to them before school unless I am able to talk to them by four my time....sometimes not an option.

With my husband, I can call him most times of the day, but it’s not free.  It’s 2 JD a day if we only talk for about 30 or so minutes.  These are things I knew would happen, and I knew would be hard.  It is not harder than I expected; but it is still really painful.

On their end, it is also agony.  My youngest cried to me this morning that he missed me and that it was not enough to talk to me on the phone.  It was so hard to not break down right with him.  I’ve had my husband tell me about his difficulties too…he agrees a missing half makes for a lonely spouse. 

So there are a couple of things I’m trying to make things easier.  There are tons of American brands here.  There is no end to American saturation in the market place all over the world, and Jordan is not an exception.  I have my husband's body wash, and that helps.  Skyping was helping, but then I have had no internet for days.  I had to supplement with those calling cards, and like my youngest said, it doesn’t feel like enough. 

The internet issue has been a huge problem, and incredibly frustrating.  I don’t know where anything is, and I don’t have internet, so I can’t look up where to find internet.  This morning, after class, I went to buy a dongle from a store by the university.  The guy mistakenly set it up wrong, so I cannot get logged on.  I did not know until I got home, and was heartbroken when I saw I would not see my kids smiling faces because it would not work.  All the customer service is in Arabic.  I know, I was shocked too.  I am not good enough in Arabic to understand their help, so I couldn’t get help over the phone.  So, tomorrow I have to go back hopeful and get the guy to fix it. 

Without internet, I have no Facebook.  Facebook lets me stay on top of everyone’s lives, and I can feel somewhat connected.  No internet = I am an Island. 

I’ve made friends here, but the age difference means that I am simply not on the same wavelength as many kids here.  A lot of these kids come from extremely wealthy homes, and have no connection with the realities of doing things yourself or having a home to still worry about.  I’ve not met one kid here that was bad in any way, but they are kids, so I tend to want to keep to myself.  I still socialize some, but the people who run this program were wise in their foresight to put me in my own apartment.  So, this is a small, ineffective release from my loneliness.

So tonight, the beast has me.